Sunday, 8 November 2015

My most memorable Birthday

My very first day on earth. My very first birthday. I don't remember a thing but with news that I was born premature, I can imagine that I was very very tiny, perhaps so tiny I could fit in a size 4 shoe. I was probably so light that the nurses had to wear nose masks so that they do not blow me away with their breath. I can just imagine the amount of coordination that mum had to employ to hold me, so delicate and fragile like a Rat's egg. She even told me that I was so tiny she could actually wash me in my own lunch box, I hope my lunch box wasn't the 200g Rama butter container.
I hope those nurses didn't whip my then almost nonexistent ass to make me cry. I can imagine the nurses placing me in my glass cubicle, in a room filled with other impatient kids who could not wait for nine months. There probably was a whole lot of other smaller kids but I must have been the smallest one. I don't know, I probably just laid there with my eyes closed and asking myself, "Dude what the heck? Couldn't you wait for another week if you can't take two more months?, well, welcome on Earth!!"
So that was it, my first day on Earth, having joined other humans, it was joy to my family, especially to my big sister. She finally had someone to bully. I just hate the fact that I had to grow up asking myself why she's a yellow bone and I am dark. We happened to be the real beauty and the beast of our family.

So enough with that, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! I just had to say that, well, let me share my most memorable Birthday to date. Have you ever imagined what other kids ask for birthdays? I would say its always either some good toys or if you are a Cake ogre like me, CAKE!! I would share anything except cake or cheese, things we never always had at home though. I was 9 years old, I was in my prime. I was at that stage where it is either a cake or a grumpy face for 24 hours.

Not only was I so excited about a double figure age but also to the great news Mum gave me weeks before it was even November. She told me that she’ll instruct her friend who lived in the nearby village to make me two birthday cakes. Two birthday cakes!!. TWO BIRTHDAY CAKES!!. TWO GODDAMN BIRTHDAY CAKES!!! I was super excited, so excited that my friends in class were wondering what was going on with me. I would smile and grin all day in class, rub my hands together in excitement and just nod my head to music that wasn't even there. I had a really huge mouth, I’d often just blast it all out but to date, that’s one thing they never learned about. As a matter of fact, most of them will only get to know about the cakes here.

I remember sitting in class and feeling like I was afloat a very beautiful valley of flowers and ponds with crystal water. II felt like a floating male fairy if there's something like that. I did not even concentrate in class weeks prior to my birthday. 

The wait was going really well but I eventually grew tired and later, really frustrated. I was angry that the lady, my mum's friend is just not bringing my cakes home. It is not like she was going to make them for free, it is not like it was her birthday, it is not like she was the one who invented yeast or sugar. I just wanted my cakes!!

I rushed home every single day expecting to see two huge colorful cakes ready to be engulfed by my sugar-hungry mouth. Instead, I just find bad news that the cakes are not there yet. The “yet” actually gave me hope because I knew it was just a matter of time and anyways, the cakes can take as long as they want. The longer they took, the hungrier I got and that was perfectly fine with me as long as they were not going to take forever. In the end, they were still going to come home to me and endure the toughest 47 minutes of their existence.

I already had the plan, I will eat the letters of my name first, then I will eat the "Zero" from the ten, then I will eat away all the bright colors, the "one", then I embark on a "top to bottom" eating journey until I can see the bottom of the platter. I ate those cakes a hundred times in my mind before I even got them.

Come think of it, Mum didn't have to tell me, after al she knew I loved cake so much I'd become a cake myself! I eventually grew tired, I could no longer wait. Two days before my birthday, I went to school and I knew, it was going to be a good day. Nothing was going to make it any worse than the previous ones. I went to school knowing that I will take a different route back home, if that lady is not going to bring the cakes, I will go fetch them myself, it was my birthday after all. Just for clarity, I asked mum in the morning,

Me: Mum, is Mee Maria bringing the cakes today or not?
Mum: No she is not, she will bring them soon, don’t worry.
Don't worry? DON'T WORRY? Really Mum? I was already worried about that lady not putting enough sugar in my cakes, I was worried about the cakes being pint-sized when my mouth and tummy are the size of the Sahara Desert, I was worried about you inviting other people to share my cakes, I was worried about the cakes being different, making it difficult to choose which one to have first, I was worried about all those things mum, the last thing I wanted to worry about was "Am I even getting the cakes or not?"

Anyways, Mum’s answer was just perfect for my plans. She had no idea and the lady baking my cakes, she wasn't ready either. She was never going to be ready for my genius plan! I was damn sure their communication was a little bit weak over the birthday cakes, none of them really laid down an exact deadline except that it should be before or on my birthday. They had a plan, maybe, all I had to do was to come up with a better plan.

So I sat in class for the longest six hours of my entire primary school life. I marveled to the idea of not only any other cakes but two beautiful cakes. Two has never been such a beautiful number than that day. Finally, after a fair enough long six hours of what seemed to be the longest wait ever, the time was up, the wait was over; it was time to unleash my planning powers.

It was the moment of truth. I gave my school bag to my cousin so he drops it home while I go “somewhere”.  On my way, I remember rehearsing my wording and facial expressions. The last thing I wanted was me giving off any suspicious acts or any signals that will tip the lady off that "Hol'up, this tiny guy right here is on an unapproved mission!"

This plan could not fail, it just could not NOT work. It had to, I needed it to be one those plans that are straight out of a Hollywood movie. "move in and move out"  

 So I reached the Cake Lady’s place and I told myself, "Stef, it is now or never".
Me: Uhm, *clearing throat*, Mum told me to... err, *cough*, She told me to pick up the cakes.
Her: She did? Oh, I just finished them a few hours ago. I thought I’d bring them myself.
Me: Err *gulp*, but since I am already here, I guess I can just take them.
Her: Okay great, I hope you won’t drop them.

I found it a bit funny, I mean Hello, *Rolling eyes* the only way I will ever drop a cake is if it has to drop in my mouth. She handed me the box with the two cakes. And it was surprisingly light. I expected bigger cakes, not that I was disappointed, I probably just thought cakes are really heavy. In the end, Cakes are just big blocks of heaven pieces coated in sugar and cream.

I set off home, a journey that seemed to go on forever. I carried the two cakes without stopping to even sniff or look at them. I almost reached home though. I think I made like half the journey. The plan was to reach home without stopping but, I think I was just weak again. I had this weird feeling like, there I was, carrying two big birthday cakes home. There was just something that was not so right, and then I knew, BAMM, its exactly the whole idea of taking the cakes home without looking at them or even better “just tasting” them. "What is the worst that could happen? It is not like I am going to kill anybody or something, I am just going to taste my birthday cakes.

So I stopped in this other tree just besides the path, not so far from home. I knelt beside the majestic cake box and took a deep breath, I opened the box and there they were. My two beautiful blue and white birthday cakes were starring right back at me. It was definitely love at first site. I suddenly developed a deep hunger for cake. Nature is funny sometimes.

I could almost hear the ancestors call on my name together with Santa, urging me to “taste” the cake. I closed my eyes and extended my index finger. I could almost feel my muscles expand as my finger gets closer and closer to the cake. And then the cake and my finger met. Holly molly!! I felt a rush of blood through my body, my heart skipped a beat and my arms were covered in Goosebumps. It was a revelation; cake and I were meant for each other. I brought my finger to my mouth and I immediately knew that picking up the cakes wasn't after all the worst mistake of my life, no. Tasting them was the worst! What did I just do to myself? How was I ever supposed to stop myself?

I gnawed away on the cake. I didn't realize what I was doing until both cakes had huge chunks missing from them. I was left with almost two thirds of each cake, when I decided to be a good boy and close the box. My face was covered with sugar and cream, my hands all sticky but my heart, so relieved. I needed that "Me" time. I needed that encounter with my two beautiful cakes. I got up and went home and that's when reality hit me, I needed to explain what happened to the cakes. Was I worried? Well, at 9 years and about 364 days, I thought I was a genius and my plan was going to work out just fine. This is how it played out:

Me: Hi Mum, Mee Maria gave me the cakes to bring them myself.
Mum: Oh hi, she came to you at school?
Me: Nope, I went to her house to get some water, I was thirsty, then she said I must take the cakes along.
Mum: So you were thirsty and you decided to go to her place for some water?
Me: Yes, she said hi to you. *holding my hands together behind my back, to pull off some honest posture*
Mum: Oh Okay. *she begun to open the box*
Me: I am going to see the goats. [I was already panicking, my excuses were becoming so lame and I knew I was about to be in real trouble]
Mum: Wait, why are the cakes eaten?
Me: Huh? What?
Mum: Don't what me, did you eat the cakes?
Me: Nope.
Mum: Should I go and ask mee Maria how the cakes looked like when she gave them to you?
Me: I told her to make them in that shape.
Mum: -__________-

She was MAD!! There I was, her little cute son with his face all sticky with sugar and cream. I was hoping she'll agree that I was too cute to scold but she didn't even have time to scold me, she just waited for the next day and dished out the remains of my cakes to my big sister and small sister. I felt so horrible but deep down I knew, all I had to do was to wait another day. Just one more day and all would have been gone well. I could not redeem myself, I could not un-eat the cake. At that moment when I looked at my sisters eating cake and all I had to do was breath, I felt like a part of me was being taken away from me. I felt like a huge cave that only cake can fill was developing within me.

I felt so bad!!

I literally felt so guilty, even started sweating!!

I just ended up crying!!!

Mum looked at me and I tried to strike a really "Cake deprived pose and look*, I think she got impressed because she eventually gave me a slice and they still sang happy birthday for me.
Mum, even though you made me go through the worst 30 minutes of my life when I had to watch you and my siblings eat cake without me, I just want to tell you that I love you because you told that lady to make me two cakes, you knew very well that one cake wouldn't last 10 minutes especially that my big sister loves cake too. And to the lady, who made my cakes, you may never get to read this but I just hope that your cake making skills are still super!
Follow me on Twitter, @StefanMutileni

Cheers. :)

Thursday, 15 October 2015

Girlfriend number 1 and Girlfriend number 2.

I was 10 years old when I got my first girlfriend who didn't know we are dating until two years later! Yes, two years later! In those two years, I wrote her so many letters that if someone chose to publish them, I will have to call the World bank to fund the printing. And yes, none of those letters were submitted. None of them, not until I somehow got confident enough to slip one in her school bag and go home feeling like I just committed a serious felony. Did I miss school the next day? Of course I did.

I think my childhood was pretty normal for a boy who just want love but his confidence and his ambitions were in a serious tug of war. Let's be honest, I tried. I mean, I made sure that I didn't look suspicious, that was good enough. Girlfriend number 1 was a beautiful chubby short girl, she was a sprinter and she was the typical Oshakati breed, she discussed the famous Soapies of those days and she always had the latest type of colour pencils in class. She was the first one to come in class with that flexible pencil and her school bag was those ones with like 100 other smaller pockets with huge zips. She was the one.

And me? Well, I was the smart but very shy boy with the back to school stationeries and always had to borrow a sharpener from his best friend. She was mine though, I didn't care that she didn't know, as long as my close friends knew, I was happy with it. When the teacher divided the class in groups of Four and she and I end up in the same group, I blushed so much you could swear a bucket of purple paint fell on my cheeks. My huge smile was all lit like a hungry pelican.

Now you are all probably praying I tell you who the mysterious Beau was. Well, after 14 years, I can finally admit that yes I had a huge crush on Magano. Oh man I had to set aside my ego here. So that was girlfriend number 1 who didn't know that we were dating until I wrote her a letter in grade 6 and oh yes we dated from a distance. Someone should have told me that being co-class captains didn't necessarily mean that you two need to go out with each other. To make matters worse, Mum actually discovered one of the best letters I ever wrote, she found it in my shirt when she was doing laundry and oh boy did I have her and her sisters laughing at me for years. that letter never even got delivered. Poor Magano never got to see the rose I drew with her colour pencils that she borrowed me for the weekend.  Did we ever got to break up? Well, realistically yes, but it took a while for us to get divorced in my mind though.

So that was it about girlfriend number 1. Now there was girlfriend number 2. Frankly speaking, I never told this story before and it is for one reason, the whole shape after all the dots came together. LOL. So I had this friend, my sisters friend who told me that his sister likes me so much and he thought it'd be good that I wrote her a letter. So I did, me being a Champ when it comes to love letters, I took a page from my Social studies note book (because the social study teacher was never going to find out), and I wrote that letter on an A4 sheet. I was so straight to the point this time, no funny things like "I see your face in the stars" No. Uh uuh. I wrote in simple terms that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, klar. Fertig. Finitura. Terminar. Acabado. My friend, that was it! FINITO!!!

I didn't have to tell her a lot of stuff. I folded that letter neatly and gave it to my friend the next day to hand it over. There was one problem though. He told me that he was not going to deliver it  unless I promise to hand over a letter that he wrote to my big sister. I thought for a moment and made up my mind, I will deliver his letter. A love letter as I thought. I handed him my letter to take to his small sister. What did I have to fear? I mean I already heard how she was dying to be my "one and only". I had a very nervous day though, I mean I saw her at school and she didn't show any signs of being troubled or being uneasy with me at al so I made two conclusions. She either did not get the letter yet or she got it but she did not read it yet.

So after school, I waited for my friend at the spot we agreed on, it was not so far from school so after a few minutes of what felt like a hundred years, he turned up and told me that I should just bring my sister's reply the next day so he give me the letter that his sister wrote back to me. No probleeemoo. That night, I saw my sister burn down the love letter and told me to tell my friend (her classmate by the way) that she isn't interested. LOL. Next day I told him so and he, with sadness, handed me my letter. I read it and BINGO, she said YES!!!! I was over the heels. I didn't know how to handle the excitement though but oh boy I was so excited I actually felt so alive!

I then did what another 11 year old would do, I told all my boys. I told the squad. I let them in on the topic that I won the finest girl in the village. I am "Thee Man". And guess what my fellow 11 year olds and 10 year olds went to do after that without telling me, they went to ask her. And to their surprise and my shock, she knew NOTHING about a letter from me, she didn't write any letter to me, she was not planning to write any! I almost fainted because "Girlfriend" came and confronted me with her girls!! I was paraded all the way home with all sorts of girly shouts. I was hurt but oh yes credit to his ingenuity. LOL.

This is an experience that made me hate my sister's friend. This guy has proven that you don't need to have a good GPA score, you don't need to go to Harvard, you don't even have to invent anything to exercise your levels of intellect. All you need to do is make sure that you are the smartest among your lot. How? Hang with the people who are either less smarter than you are, or more dumb that you are. This guy was my friend. I was the dumb one and he really got the best of me. Well this is what happened with girlfriend number 2 who I dated for about a day when she didn't know that I was her cute little puppy.

Since then, I have learned to do things myself. XD

Follow me on twitter, @StefanMutileni

Friday, 25 September 2015

My Graduation Speech

I always said that I will download my Graduation Speech from the Internet. I never imagined that instead, I will SAVE it on the internet! The internet doesn't forget, not as often... except that one time when it forgot to press the "Make him famous" button when it got to my name. Now I have to call Mum and tell her that she must not worry about my nerves and my weak knees, I will just pop up here and print this out when I next go for graduation.
Who would have thought I'd use this platform to save my graduation speech for future use and re-use? Just who? I will just keep editing the name of the University / Teknion and the name of the qualification. I don't have to use a different name for the Lecturers because I am most probably going to choose a very cunning name for them.
I think the speech is very important. More important than the costume but obviously not more important than the middle finger that I will pull on my haters as I walk out of the hall like a Super-Hero leaving a room full off fallen ninjas. I will definitely also make sure that I come with a Parrot to sit on my shoulder and translate to those small birds left in nests by their mothers. You never know, maybe there will be some. nature has weird ways of surprising us. So legooooooo..... *I am excited*
"Thanks to the statistics in the graduation guide because when I tried to count the number of people in this hall, I got three million, five hundred and thirty four thousand, two hundred and sixty nine. I will not be a bad guy now to sue my mathematics' Lecturer for the past four years, it won't be fair after all the lies I told him when I missed his class. Again, I am not good with faces so I may have counted more ladies than there are. Sorry to the dudes without beards, these black long dress makes you look like ladies, no offense.
It is great to see all my college ex girlfriends in this hall with me today. We made it together, cheers to the freaking broken relationships. It was a relief to break up with you all but it is not better anyways, this is probably the last time we will ever buy French fries for Ten bucks and a Hot Dog for eight bucks. Life is funny. it is also very difficult to bear with the fact that NSFAF representatives are on the list to later give us a speech of how we must pay back the loans and all that painful information. I would like to thank all the other companies who could not give me a Bursary though but they made it here today to see me graduate.
lets give credit where it is due,
 ***leaves podium***
I would like to give special thanks to Samsung and Google Inc. for the efforts in manufacturing my lap top and allowing the search of information, respectively. There has never been any other better service in aiding my studies. To the ladies who sell junkies and beef curry with huge onion chunks under the bridge, to the guys who sell the thirty cents sweets but never gave me my ten cents change when I got three for a Dollar, to the kids who always had enough printing credit and the love and care to give me their Passwords so I print my plagiarized assignments, you are all part of this.
***Holding up certification award***
Four years, a shitload of assignments, exams, tutorials and the gruesome hours I spend in the workshop for my project, I finally get this. This, this is what you get when you go to school for four years and sit your broke ass in class for 9 hours everyday. A paper pulp dried and printed to make this nice looking piece of A4 document with my name on it but this my friend, this I will use to hit people in the faces when they want to look down on me. So thanks for making it just a little harder than the 1 dollar toilet paper that I had to use for four long years as if I don't pay tuition.
To my beloved Lecturers, stay strong. Don't despair that I had to finish and leave, instead pray for me. Like I have always prayed to God that you don't catch me copying cause then you would have had heart attacks. Thank you very much for this ***Looks at the Rector***, Sir, your socks are showing, they were not supposed to show.
I have to leave the hall and find a job now, ain't no body got time to be broke and unemployed. Adios,
 ***give the peace salute and fold certification into a small piece of paper, puts it into the back pocket***

My speech will not get lost here.

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Twitter:         @pieMysterious
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lets go and get those Degrees!!!

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Drinking Red Bull is MAGIC!!

Hold up. If you thought Hecate the ancient Greek magician Goddess or that Criss Angel and David Blaine are the magic gurus, then you have no idea because I have just discovered the greatest magic trick of all time. Picture this, you have to stay up to study for an exam that will have questions unanswered from 1800s, you need to stay up to entertain "girlfriend", you have to somehow take your chances for staying up just one night to discover aliens in case they show up and most of all, something I personally never got used to, waking up in the morning to go to work. All that can be summed up in one major requirement, you have to stay up and keep your energy levels high.

However you do it, none of the above mentioned magicians can help you in that, Santa always come close with the kids but on contrary, he must sneak up to the kids so the kids must always nap and hope to find candies and all sorts of sweet stuff stashed up in the rooms.

Long story short, just drink RED BULL and see what magic is. I tell you what, I am typing this at the speed of four words per second, at this rate, I could write 345 600 words in just one day. That's a big number, I could convince Meek Mills and Drake to move into one three bedroom flat with just half of those words. I am like the Jeepers Creepers of energy when I take just four Red Bulls, imagine now what happened last night when I took three more because they were relatively cheap compared to coke and one extra one for control? That's EIGHT in total! I was like Chuck Norris at his best and every other activity was as easy as drinking water.

00:45, I was so energetic and so awake that I could not even blink, I could literally mind punch Floyd Mayweather and fly above the Eifel Tower using a rhythmic flap of my ears. I was buzzing with so much energy, I could feel large amounts of Kilowatts of Power moving from my head to my toe nails. I was like an electric eel ready to pounce on a poor fish. Just about midnight, I was unfortunately done with all my plans and I ticked off every single task that was on my list, I started procrastinating on sleep, knowing very well that I was a human barrel of Red Bull. I was praying in my heart that my metabolism should bail me out. I was pumped up with almost 4 litres of that magic energy drink. and not even the 101 push ups I did could make me observe the slightest and tiniest drop of sweat.

01:56, I was in deep trouble. the amount of energy from the drinks, coupled with the 100g of cheese that I gulped down like  baby Hippo salvaged from a drying pan, all that combined in my barely 65Kg body was like pure chaos. I needed my sleep. The mind screamed YEEEEEEES, the body screamed back NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I watched Extreme Sports, fear factor, Terminator and read a Shakespeare publication but still, I could not drop my eye lids a single millimetre. I even drank cold water with hope of neutralising the levels of Red Bull in my body but that drink was determined to keep me up.

02:47, I clearly needed help. Like a Whale doing a flip, I jolted out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. My lean body didn't quite reflect a true image of how I felt like because the mirror was showing a body like Sheldon but I sure felt like Rambo. I needed to use my energy to some good cause so I came up with a plan, I am going to rearrange my room! I started off with moving my bed away from the centre of the room because I sleep with my lights on and when I close my eyes, the light right above my bed irritates me so much. I didn't even think light would travel through my eye lids to my eyes! I moved the fridge without and rearranged it too, bringing the milk and cheese where I can easily access them and taking the rest of the stuff right at the back. I arranged the pile of coins on my desk and calculated them, to my surprise, I didn't even make 5NAD yet!
Finally, I changed my pillow cases, this is like the toughest job I have ever done in my years of living alone.

03:59, It is almost 04:00 and the neighbour's dog will start barking in exactly one hour, I really needed to sleep. I could not hold back my shame and disappointment anymore, how could I?? If only I didn't test the energy drink's ability. With shame, I slotted in my bed and found my comfortable spot, I closed my eyes and promised myself I will stop my thinking and just doze off. Three minutes in bed and I am already thinking of September 11, why Bobby Shmurda should do a song with Jay Z and how Pythagora must have been some huge guy with a thick beard and very thick eye brows. I was on terrestrial journeys my dear.

05:00, I don't even know why I am not mad. My new clock's alarm went off. Yes, in a rather sarcastic tune, it buzzed and galloped all over my desk singing "Its a beautiful day for pie!", inspired by Peter Griffin. I hit the "silence" button and starring at the ceiling with my head resting on my hands, I spoke in  a fine but really annoyed tone, "RED BULL IS MAGIC". I will never ever, I mean NEVER EVER drink Red Bull again. not even if I become part of the Red Bull racing team. But if you want to experience the mind blogging energy levels and feel your toe nails cut through your socks, you have my blessings.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

My relationship with my clock fell through

Have you ever loved someone so much that you just can’t make it to work on time without that particular sweetheart? Or that she is always the reason you are seated in church before the pastor? Looking all holy and smelling like a five hundred acre of roses, with your shoes shiny as a clear calm sea and your tie so perfect that paparazzi will not take photos for the fear of messing it up with the vibrations caused by the camera flash? Well, if you can imagine such privileges in your life because of someone, I and you are on the same boat. The only difference is that mine is… rather was a clock. A beautiful Chinese make (no name), red round clock.

I still miss her tick tock in my silent room as I woke up feeling myself. We were like Romeo and Juliet; we had a relationship that Santa would have told angels on his way back to heaven. We were like inseparable, but that’s all history now because I sued that stupid clock and now she is serving a lifetime in my suitcase, without batteries and her hands of time, all frozen up like a malfunctioned time machine.

Why? Cause that stupid hobo just made me miss my bus to work! Why am I even mad? You are all probably asking yourself, well, because after missing he bus that I pay 400NAD every month, I actually made a loss of 13.33NAD, missed seeing the beautiful Damara girl who always seat at the back in the corner with her earphone pressed against her ear drums, made it one hour late at work, had my coffee late (very terrible situation), had a bad day thinking how on earth she could not let that alarm go off (this brought me a little depression) and to top it all, had my boss mocking me about the whole experience.

Not in my life was I ever late with one whole hour! I have always been so early, since birth. I was born 3 months early (family record) and I was the first in my family to actually not have a photo taken at my first birthday. No one can break this record. So for me to be one hour late doesn’t only make me look stupid but it completely confuses the whole “early Stefan” legacy that stood for 23 years.

For all these offences, I had no choice but to demote her. Now I just rely on the neighbour’s dog, that dog always start barking at 05:00, I don’t know if it hates some poor guy who always passes by that time or it is completely gone insane. Maybe it even barks at some aliens as they return to their spaceship just before we wake up.

Friday, 11 September 2015

Guide to surviving a shopping experience with girls

Who is not excited about going shopping? Everybody is excited, except if you are the other guy wearing his “I can do it smile”, flanked by four girls. Then in that case, you are in more trouble than a turtle turned on his back. You should be afraid. I won’t even feel sorry for you, instead, I will pray that a fairy comes and rescue you from that torture. I went shopping with my four small sisters a few weeks back and for the past week, I reflected on the traumatising event and I just had to share with ya’ll out there.

One girl already has the shopping flair to make you rip out your throat from growling with impatience and the urge to make her realise that you can’t walk 500miles in one day. Even Matt Galland (@mattinthewild) and his two adventure maniacs can’t do 500 Miles in a day, let alone just a simple dude with earphones stuck in his ears and a 1 year old beard? You need to follow my guide on how to exceptionally, successfully and effectively go shopping with four girls because it is an endurance game my brother; it is a “waiting for a miracle” game.

The first thing you need to ensure is actually to not go shopping with any girl at all. Just don’t do it, it’s a trap. It’s a set up to hurt your soul. Girls only invite guys for shopping because it is legal compared to torturing someone with razors or subjecting them to surgery without anaesthetics. Only setback with not going, or worse, turning her down is that you’ll be labeled as the most awful and horribly stinking worst guy in the history human existence.

Who wants to be the worst guy to ever walk the face of the Earth? Even Billy the Kid must’ve somehow felt guilty. Chances that you will have to accept that invitation are so high that if you turn her down, the whole world will know because that is like eighteen times bigger than Gerolamo Cardano’s 1545 foundation and implementation of the quadratic equation. Don’t be stupid, you have to go. Don’t be like those other kids who though Ebola is some guy from the Al Qaeda.

Like a Navy Seal getting ready to dive, you have to get your body and mind ready. It is not going to be a normal day. It will be a day of highs for the girls and major lows for you. So I recommend that you keep eating healthy and working out, because you never know when that invitation is going to hit you in the face like a Torpedo.

On the day of that invitation, you will probably wake up with a feeling that something so bad is going to happen. You won’t know exactly what but you will feel a change in the whole atmosphere, like how fish acts when an earthquake is about to hit. When one of them walks up to you with her sly smile and beautiful pale cheeks, you will obviously smile down at her cute face expecting something good, until she goes like, “You mind coming with us for shopping today? Please?” Don’t be fooled by the kind question, it is an order and you have no choice. It is game over.

Even for the fact that we give an assumption on the girls going to spend their own money, yours isn’t safe either so the first thing you need to do is a crush budget plan. You better get your dimes straight cause at every ice-cream parlor you pass by, it will make a tiny hole in your annual budget. One thing is very important, text a friend, male friend to be specific. Tell him to be on standby because you may need to be rescued when the girls finally hit the Kim Kardashian conversation topic and the only thing you know about Kim is her butt that seem to be hunted down by Paparazzi wherever she goes. You will need to talk about football and cars so you better have your thumb on the dial pad in case you get to breaking point.

Tell yourself that, “it is going to be alright.” Well, this is more like psychology. We all know it’s a wrap, you not going to be alright buddy, you are going to be in shreds by the second hour but just to instill that “I can do it” spirit, you’ll need to go through that ritual with yourself, just say it. Ask them questions; find out what exactly they are going to buy. Be ready to receive a list of all that Hem Matsi has ever thought of designing, and all that has ever gone trending on the streets in Johannesburg.

The idea is to make sure that whatever they mention, they do not include shoes. I know what I am talking about here because I once went shopping with my friend in Rothenburg ob der Tauber in Germany and oh boy did we spend two days in one shoe shop. I tell you what, there isn't a more complex and whirlwind situation like a having shoes and a girl in one shop.

If they mention anything related to a shoe shop, just fake death. Just drop dead on the ground and hold your breath for as long as they can freak out and call 911. Don’t worry with hurting your head as you drop at 9.81m/s on the ground, trust me, it is much better that accepting an invitation to go shoe shopping.

Create a 72 hour playlist and remember to include Alone by Celine Dion, Ryan Kirkland and perhaps throw in one from Heavy K just to reserve it for the moment when the girls walk up to a shop and realise it is closed, you will need to celebrate that moment.

Download a map of your town and the four nearby towns in all four major directions. You will also need a floor plan from the architectural company that designed the target location (Suggested mall/complex, often just bate). This is very important because girls may find their way out of the complex, they always do, but you will need to locate yourself in case the apocalypse hits while you are still in the maze.

Get hiking shoes that are one size bigger because you may spend your whole life shopping with the girls. Trust me on this one, girls can say they are going to buy a hat and next thing you know, they are covering an area the size of Australia and buying all sorts of stuff that the cotton and silk industry has ever produced.

Call your boss and take leave. Call in sick in advance. I don’t have to explain this.

Take razors and After-Shave lotion with you. Girls will go shopping for like 25 years so you need to keep your face in check, you don’t want to end up looking like Captain Jack Sparrow.

Take your passport with you. Girls can say they are going shopping at Wernhil, next thing you know, they want to check out these other shoes in some shops in New York City. Don’t even think that he flight prices will save you. Girls can fly from Windhoek to Cape Town for N$7500,00 just to buy shoes and a scarf that costs R299,00.

Take protein supplements and vitamins. Why? Girls will go shopping for two straight decades and only have two Ice Creams. You don’t want to start looking like you have never eaten since the days of JFK so you better go on that mission like a man going into space. Pack it all.

Lastly and this is probably the most important point, wear as many clothes as you can. This is not only to make sure that you have a supply of clothes for the whole experience that may last all four seasons but also that they will be discouraged to make you try on the jeans and shirts that they may want to get for their boyfriends.

But I know why girls take men for shopping, it is because shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. Until next time when you have survived the Shopping Spree, we will probably meet on an island, you are probably going to be with your boyfriends and girlfriends and I am going to be that guy with a vintage camera and a skew hairline, making your whole beach experience awkward with my hairy chest and transparent boxers. @StefanMutileni on twitter, at your service.

Friday, 4 September 2015

The Good and the Bad of Insomnia

If you never heard about me or seen me on TV or on some cool T Shirt or on a Bill Board, its probably because I have never been on any of those ones. Well, I am that other person who hardly agrees to the science of the rotation of the earth around the sun. But I will travel to Mexico by raft and literally hike through the thickest forests to prove that Aliens do exist and that I am the real Big Foot.

Lately I have been trying to compile an A4 page of explanations as to why staying up late is actually better than going to Disneyland and riding the roller-coasters with 8 year old kids just in case they take selfies with their iPhones (On selfie sticks, and you photobomb them. I made it to just over one quarter of the page. I didn’t know that font size 45 was that small. I don’t care though, I am going to explain it anyways, just because I could not do it while staying up does not mean I can’t during day time.

1.       Chance to discover Aliens first
Staying up actually means you have the chance to be one of the few people to discover the aliens and have your name written in history books, forever. Why not? After all, I do not think aliens will storm into a town during the day, chances are probably that they are photophobic and they probably see better in the night. I literally stay up each night and wait for an alienitical series of sounds and whistles so I pop my head through my window like, “Hey Aliens, do not fear anything, I won’t harm a fly”

2.       Guarding your half eaten dinner meal
We all have that one housemate who just won’t go to bed at 22:00 and get up at 06:00 the next day, that one person who will always get up at 01:15 to make sure that all the food left over after dinner is all gulped up and shovelled in his big mouth. I call them the Human Bears. Staying up at night means you have better chances of busting that pathetic trend and if we can minimise it, this habit will die down and it will go in extinction.
3.       Checking that no one adjusts your alarm clock from 06:00 to 07:00
I don’t know any other worse feeling than waking up one hour late. Not leaving the house one hour late, no, WAKING UP ONE HOUR LATE. I lose my mind and probably shout more than The Dogg has ever done on He He He. I jump and throw my shoes all over the room and once I actually wrestled my alarm clock and did a Mike Tyson bite on it. You don’t want any naughty housemate to adjust your alarm clock fam, it sucks big time and if you stay up at night, you actually eliminate any of such crappy manners.

4.       Getting fresh crispy and raw news
Remember that dude who had a tapeworm? Well, my aunt (she doesn’t stay up) apparently was told that there is a man in the south who gave birth to a baby snake. From tapeworm to snake real fast! I tell you what, people can edit the news, photos and even their eye brows so next time you want to take your ‘being informed” being seriously, better stay up at night cause a tiny innocent fly can just pass a certain house and next thing you know, a fish eating alien has been spotted in some fancy hotel in Goreagab Dam.

Disadvantages of insomnia

So far, I only discovered one disadvantage of staying up late at night.
>>>>>Watching American Football

Okay let’s face it, I am not saying the sport is bad, I just find it really funny that I can’t watch two seconds of it and not hurt my lungs. The same way I kind of watch rugby and I am like, seriously now? I watched two seconds of American football and I am like please stop, stop, STAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. I mean seriously now, those guys are wearing very tight spandex pants. SO this other guy gets the ball and runs very fast across the field in his shiny costume and shirt, then all the other guys of the opposite team also in spandex pants tries to catch him (just catch the ball guys, catch the ball). I don’t want my kids growing up watching any of that gay shit. Why don’t we just stick to Football and keep supporting Mourinho even when he jumps on The Team doctor? Okay I am done. Have a nice weekend ya’ll. Do not fornicate.

Don’t take my take on American football too serious, I hate people who catch feelings too fast.

Follow me on Twitter @pieMysterious 

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Lets become Anger Management Champions.

So here I am writing about anger management. A few minutes prior to writing this, I waited and waited and waited for that "Straight Outta Somewhere" link to fully load so that I write with pride, "Okatana". I literally grew a mustache while waiting for the keyboard to pop up on my phone. I also think some poor insect specie in the amazon also went into extinction while I wait for that link to just load. It is all I wanted. While waiting, I realised I was starting to clench my left fist and I chew rather harder and faster on my bubblegum. My My body tensed and I could feel my energy rise to unfavorable levels. I was clearly starting to lose my temper.

Lately, we've ad cases of Men killing their girlfriends, someone shooting 9 times after his car was bumped. Just in case you can't quite figure why nine times is just so a lot, let me give you a demonstration; Vroom Vroom, BAMMM!!! Oh, $hiiiaaatttt!! bkgfhbbcj!!!! CLICK! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Now that is something you need to think of. This guy fired nine times, he was probably not angry before the shooting but, he was definitely angry during the shooting. It shows just how much we as humans can be pushed to our limits until if not managed well, we snap and all hell break loose.

I read a lot of negative comments about such incidents, I don't mean to say that is all there is, of course there are positives too. I really just want to put an emphasis on something that I feel is overlooked and less considered, understandably by the law but quite not so understandably, by us the society, anger. This is not to imply that we should have the acceptance that such incidents should happen, no. This is to say yes it can happen but we can work on ourselves so that when we are caught in the same loops, we will hop out safely.

I believe in the expressions of feelings, just the same way we need to express our rather good and all snuggly snuggly feelings like love and affection, we also need to express anger, frustrations and other feelings that makes us look more uglier than we already are. Why? Well, because feelings are (like) a form of energy and this is energy that will less likely do us good if contained within and not converted to speech. Seriously, I think Einstein would be happy to hear this. I am not a psychologist or medical Doctor, so I am quite interested in hearing what exactly happens to and in our minds to be specific, when we are just about to get angry. I can by the way give my insights on the obvious that is perhaps not too much of common sense to everybody.

Think of the crazy Mathematics definition of an Asymptotic line; In lame terms, it is a line that you can come very close next to, but you can not touch it. You can come as close as possible, to an extend that it looks like you are actually rubbing shoulders with this line but in fact, graphically, you are not. I like to imagine such a situation in getting pissed off, losing temper or just getting to that point when you are almost on the verge of jumping off the bridge or back slapping your mate but because you did not cross the red line, you somehow just "let it go". This scenario when exercised efficiently can sure make us maybe not happy people, but good enough, not people who will regret what they said or what they did in times when they failed to control their anger.

Lets put the scenarios into more practical terms then. I think, we can assign levels to our thoughts, high energy levels and low energy levels. Our thoughts can be traced and located to a point in space at any time, lets call this the local point (Black dot). We can assign a field around the local point and call it the local field (Light-blue circle). Just like the "logical" assumptions done in Calculus, we are also going to assume that there can never be middle ground in this state of mind.

One can argue that sometimes our thoughts wander off into space and we are not really aware of what is going on around us, or we just think so deep that we stare and someone so hard, just because we are on some terrestrial concentration type of state. So to accommodate that, lets assume that our local point has another twin local point that represents our conscious thinking (Green dot). This twin local point has to constantly follow the main local point to keep us in the loop hole, to keep us aware of our own surrounding, our own actions and to filter out the nasty words for us.

So what is standard in life? What is the normal way of human social behavior? We don't know, in fact we may never reach a conclusion in some of such discussions. But we have a mind that is able to sense what is right and wrong, we have codes e live by in acceptance, maybe some in denial, we have culture and we have rules and regulations that the Governments have put n place. In the above diagram, we can hopefully all agree that we all want to be in the top right corner. Why? We are excited, we are energetic and this is happiness.

So back to the local point, the local point has a sphere of locations that it can be traced to, it wander all around that sphere as per our feelings. It is rather difficult to speak in we so let me use I. When I get angry, my thought's local point immediately tries to get close and over the High energy line. I may or may not find the right state of mind to make decisions in this situation and if my local point moves with speeds that exceeds my sane mind abilities, this is when I grab my phone and hit it int he wall, punch the poor fellow or even grab a gun and shoot nine times, such sad things. I believe that most of those insane acts are carried out in times when our twin point doesn't keep up with the local point and thus, we are not REALLY aware of what we are doing. This is common in times when we later ask ourselves, what just happened??? That is a situation I never want to be in.

So then can we actually keep the two points close to one another, within the local field and well below the high energy line? Yes, I believe so. However, it is not an overnight breakthrough to be a maser of anger management, I, myself could not do it within six months but a series of mind exercises that included texting and calling the people I thought I really disliked (I seriously hope this will not cause chills somewhere, haha), I made it. Not to say I do not get angry anymore but having crushed my first computer at work because i lost my temper, it is a scenario that is very unlikely to repeat itself. The key is to constantly keep the green dot close to the black one because if you let that guy wander off alone, he can be a bad guy.

So we ought to really think about this, to exercise self awareness, to exercise the art of being able to retreat, to say enough with the yelling and fist clenching. To master your emotions is to master your personal conduct. We can be better people. We can definitely do things like take walks, go for movies, pull each others hair and watch the moon, all this in good light. The only thing we should perhaps not try to do is eat up each others Ice Cream because that drives me crazy, it drives me so mad, haha.  I am kidding, we should share ice cream too, especially if I finish mine up first.

Much Love.