Friday, 11 September 2015

Guide to surviving a shopping experience with girls

Who is not excited about going shopping? Everybody is excited, except if you are the other guy wearing his “I can do it smile”, flanked by four girls. Then in that case, you are in more trouble than a turtle turned on his back. You should be afraid. I won’t even feel sorry for you, instead, I will pray that a fairy comes and rescue you from that torture. I went shopping with my four small sisters a few weeks back and for the past week, I reflected on the traumatising event and I just had to share with ya’ll out there.

One girl already has the shopping flair to make you rip out your throat from growling with impatience and the urge to make her realise that you can’t walk 500miles in one day. Even Matt Galland (@mattinthewild) and his two adventure maniacs can’t do 500 Miles in a day, let alone just a simple dude with earphones stuck in his ears and a 1 year old beard? You need to follow my guide on how to exceptionally, successfully and effectively go shopping with four girls because it is an endurance game my brother; it is a “waiting for a miracle” game.

The first thing you need to ensure is actually to not go shopping with any girl at all. Just don’t do it, it’s a trap. It’s a set up to hurt your soul. Girls only invite guys for shopping because it is legal compared to torturing someone with razors or subjecting them to surgery without anaesthetics. Only setback with not going, or worse, turning her down is that you’ll be labeled as the most awful and horribly stinking worst guy in the history human existence.

Who wants to be the worst guy to ever walk the face of the Earth? Even Billy the Kid must’ve somehow felt guilty. Chances that you will have to accept that invitation are so high that if you turn her down, the whole world will know because that is like eighteen times bigger than Gerolamo Cardano’s 1545 foundation and implementation of the quadratic equation. Don’t be stupid, you have to go. Don’t be like those other kids who though Ebola is some guy from the Al Qaeda.

Like a Navy Seal getting ready to dive, you have to get your body and mind ready. It is not going to be a normal day. It will be a day of highs for the girls and major lows for you. So I recommend that you keep eating healthy and working out, because you never know when that invitation is going to hit you in the face like a Torpedo.

On the day of that invitation, you will probably wake up with a feeling that something so bad is going to happen. You won’t know exactly what but you will feel a change in the whole atmosphere, like how fish acts when an earthquake is about to hit. When one of them walks up to you with her sly smile and beautiful pale cheeks, you will obviously smile down at her cute face expecting something good, until she goes like, “You mind coming with us for shopping today? Please?” Don’t be fooled by the kind question, it is an order and you have no choice. It is game over.

Even for the fact that we give an assumption on the girls going to spend their own money, yours isn’t safe either so the first thing you need to do is a crush budget plan. You better get your dimes straight cause at every ice-cream parlor you pass by, it will make a tiny hole in your annual budget. One thing is very important, text a friend, male friend to be specific. Tell him to be on standby because you may need to be rescued when the girls finally hit the Kim Kardashian conversation topic and the only thing you know about Kim is her butt that seem to be hunted down by Paparazzi wherever she goes. You will need to talk about football and cars so you better have your thumb on the dial pad in case you get to breaking point.

Tell yourself that, “it is going to be alright.” Well, this is more like psychology. We all know it’s a wrap, you not going to be alright buddy, you are going to be in shreds by the second hour but just to instill that “I can do it” spirit, you’ll need to go through that ritual with yourself, just say it. Ask them questions; find out what exactly they are going to buy. Be ready to receive a list of all that Hem Matsi has ever thought of designing, and all that has ever gone trending on the streets in Johannesburg.

The idea is to make sure that whatever they mention, they do not include shoes. I know what I am talking about here because I once went shopping with my friend in Rothenburg ob der Tauber in Germany and oh boy did we spend two days in one shoe shop. I tell you what, there isn't a more complex and whirlwind situation like a having shoes and a girl in one shop.

If they mention anything related to a shoe shop, just fake death. Just drop dead on the ground and hold your breath for as long as they can freak out and call 911. Don’t worry with hurting your head as you drop at 9.81m/s on the ground, trust me, it is much better that accepting an invitation to go shoe shopping.

Create a 72 hour playlist and remember to include Alone by Celine Dion, Ryan Kirkland and perhaps throw in one from Heavy K just to reserve it for the moment when the girls walk up to a shop and realise it is closed, you will need to celebrate that moment.

Download a map of your town and the four nearby towns in all four major directions. You will also need a floor plan from the architectural company that designed the target location (Suggested mall/complex, often just bate). This is very important because girls may find their way out of the complex, they always do, but you will need to locate yourself in case the apocalypse hits while you are still in the maze.

Get hiking shoes that are one size bigger because you may spend your whole life shopping with the girls. Trust me on this one, girls can say they are going to buy a hat and next thing you know, they are covering an area the size of Australia and buying all sorts of stuff that the cotton and silk industry has ever produced.

Call your boss and take leave. Call in sick in advance. I don’t have to explain this.

Take razors and After-Shave lotion with you. Girls will go shopping for like 25 years so you need to keep your face in check, you don’t want to end up looking like Captain Jack Sparrow.

Take your passport with you. Girls can say they are going shopping at Wernhil, next thing you know, they want to check out these other shoes in some shops in New York City. Don’t even think that he flight prices will save you. Girls can fly from Windhoek to Cape Town for N$7500,00 just to buy shoes and a scarf that costs R299,00.

Take protein supplements and vitamins. Why? Girls will go shopping for two straight decades and only have two Ice Creams. You don’t want to start looking like you have never eaten since the days of JFK so you better go on that mission like a man going into space. Pack it all.

Lastly and this is probably the most important point, wear as many clothes as you can. This is not only to make sure that you have a supply of clothes for the whole experience that may last all four seasons but also that they will be discouraged to make you try on the jeans and shirts that they may want to get for their boyfriends.

But I know why girls take men for shopping, it is because shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. Until next time when you have survived the Shopping Spree, we will probably meet on an island, you are probably going to be with your boyfriends and girlfriends and I am going to be that guy with a vintage camera and a skew hairline, making your whole beach experience awkward with my hairy chest and transparent boxers. @StefanMutileni on twitter, at your service.

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