Friday, 3 February 2017

Do NOT share your secrets with these five people!

Who isn’t scared that their darkest secrets will bubble out for the whole world to feed on? Well, certainly not me, I am scared as an injured gazelle in the Serengeti! My biggest fear is that someone will betray me, someone will share my most personal secrets with some stranger out there and while you are out there thinking no one knows about you, the whole world has your life zoomed in on high definition.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not scared of people knowing WHO I am, nah… I am scared of people knowing what I don’t want to share with them, that’s invasion of personal space, think about it. BUT, we can’t blame them; people only know what we choose to tell them, right? People only know what we allow them to know. So ultimately we are our own enemies if we go around sharing even the colors of our underpants with strangers, or how we managed to sneak French fries into the fitness class and munch on them while everybody else does planks and crunches, yeah that’s messed up. So here is my list of 5 people you DO NOT at all want to share your secrets with.

5. A friend who works in a salon
Seriously, what’s wrong with these ladies? Okay I’m guessing you want to know HOW I know this. Well, my barber happens to be in the same office space with a bunch of salon ladies, so when I go get my fade so I look like I’m about to feature in Bad Boys IV, I hear what these ladies talk about. Damn, they know EVERYTHING!!! From who is bonking who in the neighborhood, to which previous customer didn’t buy her own Brazilian hair. These ladies discuss uncensored x rated matters fam. Salons should have a sign that says, “persons under the age of 18 are not allowed here dammit”, or better have earmuffs to be used in there. Salon ladies even know Victoria’s secret! So don’t you dare share anything with them at all.

4. Any aunt with a gold tooth.
I bet my aunt is reading this and thinking I’m throwing shade on her again, relax woman. So guys, I do not understand why these folks with a certain awkward gold tooth stuck up between crooked teeth always find it relevant to like just be the community paparazzi. I swear if you hear some juicy gossip going on around you, say in an elevator or in a bus or taxi on your way home, just look at the captain of this gossip, you will see some shiny gold tooth crying to be freed. Sometimes it is not even gold, it is just copper but the gossip will polish that thing as it leaves the mouth and makes it look like 18 carats gold in its finest form.

3. Anyone who starts talking like, “Please don’t tell anyone, I also just heard’
SHUT UP!!! JUST SHUT UP!!! Why are human beings so complicated?? So you are going to go ahead and tell me something you are not sure of, I guess that’s why you are not open to me sharing it with anybody else. In the first place, you just HEARD, and now you want to tell me and I should not tell anyone, why? Cause I’m like the gossip dumpsite or what? Respect my ears please don’t feed me crap that you are not ready to back up please. These people are so creepy because they will go ahead and share your secrets and tell people, “I will tell you but don’t tell anyone else”, then those people are also going to do the same thing over and over, it’s like a cycle of scared columnists trying to deliver the breaking news but no one wants to be held accountable. Stupid. Hahaha. Do not go and tell people like that cause you are exactly who shouldn’t be told secrets, man.

2. Someone with a Facebook name ending with –licious
Think about these people for a moment. Oo beautilicious noo Rare pinky-love Cuddlelicios, those people are what’s wrong with the internet! Their pages are full of the juiciest and most recent gossip ever! I even wonder why we do not have a gossip column show on our national tv yet. I left so many whatsapp groups in recent days and it is always somehow because there is some –licious person who is just out there preaching to us about things we do not need or want to hear. I remember when my friend changed her name to Candylicios and I almost called her parents to inform them that their daughter needs immediate emancipation from an alien disease that makes people stick their noses everywhere and spit our unverified information about other people.

1       1. My uncle. (He’s got a tooth gap)

Oh my word this guy will let your secrets known to whoever he meets!! Okay let’s get one thing straight, I feel like we need to understand him though, I mean this man has a tooth gap the size of space between Australia and New Zealand! WOW!! Every time he even says something bad about me, I’m just like, “Stef, you need to understand that maybe these words just escaped from his mouth using that gate between his front two teeth.

I can’t even get over the day he looked at me and said, “Hey!! Thtefanuth!! Come thay hi to your uncle!!!”, then I walked up to him with so much fear that looking straight into his tooth gap will victimize my rather fragile soul. It looks like a black hole fam. That tooth gap probably pays its own cab when my uncle goes from town back home. I swear when he was in school, his tooth gap had its own table and chair in class also. Like guy has a whole cave in his mouth.
So next time you meet my uncle and feel like you should share your secret with him, think twice because the words won’t have curfew in his mouth.

I’m off to go get me some lunch. Share this with your friends to make sure they share their secrets with the right people. 

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