Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Why I still maintain my innocence

Earlier today at the office, a piece of pork schnitzel that was wrapped in aluminum foil with a N$17:55 Pick n Pay price tag on it went missing from the common fridge. The description matched what the apparent owner's descriptions are. This is a piece of pork that I have not seen at all, I mean I haven't seen any schnitzel since August. As a matter of fact, I haven't been in that kitchen prior to speculations that there is a schnitzel piece that got mugged out of the fridge.

After rigorous speculations, which didn't involve me because I committed to finding a tooth pick to pick my clogged teeth, the evidence apparently pointed at me. This came as a very big surprise as I am a very good friend of the victim, the guy who previously owned the pork schnitzel is a very good friend of mine. We are even in the same whatsApp groups and we all start work at 08:00, that's how close of friends we are. Now to say that I, Stef took that pork is very very, VERY impolite.

I am just a little guy trying to live life, one day at a time.

In the absence of lawyers willing to represent me as I get interrogated in a whatsApp group, I wish to explain and bring forth facts, why I am innocent and not "guilty beyond reasonable doubt".

1. I am on a vegetarian diet this week.

one thing that these people failed to consider is that I am on a vegetarian diet this week. Not directly, more indirectly. You see, animals like Kudu and cattle are vegetarians, they only eat grass and veggies. Now for me, I don't want to compete with them so instead of me eating vegetables directly, I eat the animals that eat vegetables. This way, they still keep their food cause I won't eat them, nah uh. But I also get to benefit from the grass and all vegies, through the animals that eat them. Pigs only eat apples and milk, these are facts from Animal farm just in case ya'll don't believe me.

2. There was cake in the fridge (apparently)

Everyone knows that I love cake. I am like a cake addict. I probably eat more cake than the average person on their birthday. I eat more cake than a bride and groom on their wedding day. I eat cake when I am sad, when I am happy, when I am hurt, when I am in love, when I am late, when I am on diet, when I am broke, when I get money, when I am at home, at work, in my car, at the cinema, at funerals, at independence celebrations. I eat cake all the time that when I can't afford a slice of cake, I go eat fat cakes. Now to say that I could take a pork schnitzel out of a fridge and leave cake there, you must be out of your mind. You are joking.

3. I don't even love pork.

okay that's a lie, pffft. I love pork. but I DID NOT, take that one out of the fridge and throw the aluminum foil in the kaSmall bin in the office.

4. The evidence is not enough.

Apparently I am the only one who kept giggling and picking my teeth minutes after the schnitzel walked out of the fridge. But did you see me eat it? If we go to a doctor for an x-ray right now, will you see that pork in my tummy? Will you be able to stand in front of St. Paul and say that I ate the pork? Please.


I can't think of more reasons. :(

let's just let it go. I seriously need to find a proper toothpick and also a glass of water, this oil is making me feel funny in my tummy.