Friday, 25 September 2015

My Graduation Speech

I always said that I will download my Graduation Speech from the Internet. I never imagined that instead, I will SAVE it on the internet! The internet doesn't forget, not as often... except that one time when it forgot to press the "Make him famous" button when it got to my name. Now I have to call Mum and tell her that she must not worry about my nerves and my weak knees, I will just pop up here and print this out when I next go for graduation.
Who would have thought I'd use this platform to save my graduation speech for future use and re-use? Just who? I will just keep editing the name of the University / Teknion and the name of the qualification. I don't have to use a different name for the Lecturers because I am most probably going to choose a very cunning name for them.
I think the speech is very important. More important than the costume but obviously not more important than the middle finger that I will pull on my haters as I walk out of the hall like a Super-Hero leaving a room full off fallen ninjas. I will definitely also make sure that I come with a Parrot to sit on my shoulder and translate to those small birds left in nests by their mothers. You never know, maybe there will be some. nature has weird ways of surprising us. So legooooooo..... *I am excited*
"Thanks to the statistics in the graduation guide because when I tried to count the number of people in this hall, I got three million, five hundred and thirty four thousand, two hundred and sixty nine. I will not be a bad guy now to sue my mathematics' Lecturer for the past four years, it won't be fair after all the lies I told him when I missed his class. Again, I am not good with faces so I may have counted more ladies than there are. Sorry to the dudes without beards, these black long dress makes you look like ladies, no offense.
It is great to see all my college ex girlfriends in this hall with me today. We made it together, cheers to the freaking broken relationships. It was a relief to break up with you all but it is not better anyways, this is probably the last time we will ever buy French fries for Ten bucks and a Hot Dog for eight bucks. Life is funny. it is also very difficult to bear with the fact that NSFAF representatives are on the list to later give us a speech of how we must pay back the loans and all that painful information. I would like to thank all the other companies who could not give me a Bursary though but they made it here today to see me graduate.
lets give credit where it is due,
 ***leaves podium***
I would like to give special thanks to Samsung and Google Inc. for the efforts in manufacturing my lap top and allowing the search of information, respectively. There has never been any other better service in aiding my studies. To the ladies who sell junkies and beef curry with huge onion chunks under the bridge, to the guys who sell the thirty cents sweets but never gave me my ten cents change when I got three for a Dollar, to the kids who always had enough printing credit and the love and care to give me their Passwords so I print my plagiarized assignments, you are all part of this.
***Holding up certification award***
Four years, a shitload of assignments, exams, tutorials and the gruesome hours I spend in the workshop for my project, I finally get this. This, this is what you get when you go to school for four years and sit your broke ass in class for 9 hours everyday. A paper pulp dried and printed to make this nice looking piece of A4 document with my name on it but this my friend, this I will use to hit people in the faces when they want to look down on me. So thanks for making it just a little harder than the 1 dollar toilet paper that I had to use for four long years as if I don't pay tuition.
To my beloved Lecturers, stay strong. Don't despair that I had to finish and leave, instead pray for me. Like I have always prayed to God that you don't catch me copying cause then you would have had heart attacks. Thank you very much for this ***Looks at the Rector***, Sir, your socks are showing, they were not supposed to show.
I have to leave the hall and find a job now, ain't no body got time to be broke and unemployed. Adios,
 ***give the peace salute and fold certification into a small piece of paper, puts it into the back pocket***

My speech will not get lost here.

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lets go and get those Degrees!!!

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Drinking Red Bull is MAGIC!!

Hold up. If you thought Hecate the ancient Greek magician Goddess or that Criss Angel and David Blaine are the magic gurus, then you have no idea because I have just discovered the greatest magic trick of all time. Picture this, you have to stay up to study for an exam that will have questions unanswered from 1800s, you need to stay up to entertain "girlfriend", you have to somehow take your chances for staying up just one night to discover aliens in case they show up and most of all, something I personally never got used to, waking up in the morning to go to work. All that can be summed up in one major requirement, you have to stay up and keep your energy levels high.

However you do it, none of the above mentioned magicians can help you in that, Santa always come close with the kids but on contrary, he must sneak up to the kids so the kids must always nap and hope to find candies and all sorts of sweet stuff stashed up in the rooms.

Long story short, just drink RED BULL and see what magic is. I tell you what, I am typing this at the speed of four words per second, at this rate, I could write 345 600 words in just one day. That's a big number, I could convince Meek Mills and Drake to move into one three bedroom flat with just half of those words. I am like the Jeepers Creepers of energy when I take just four Red Bulls, imagine now what happened last night when I took three more because they were relatively cheap compared to coke and one extra one for control? That's EIGHT in total! I was like Chuck Norris at his best and every other activity was as easy as drinking water.

00:45, I was so energetic and so awake that I could not even blink, I could literally mind punch Floyd Mayweather and fly above the Eifel Tower using a rhythmic flap of my ears. I was buzzing with so much energy, I could feel large amounts of Kilowatts of Power moving from my head to my toe nails. I was like an electric eel ready to pounce on a poor fish. Just about midnight, I was unfortunately done with all my plans and I ticked off every single task that was on my list, I started procrastinating on sleep, knowing very well that I was a human barrel of Red Bull. I was praying in my heart that my metabolism should bail me out. I was pumped up with almost 4 litres of that magic energy drink. and not even the 101 push ups I did could make me observe the slightest and tiniest drop of sweat.

01:56, I was in deep trouble. the amount of energy from the drinks, coupled with the 100g of cheese that I gulped down like  baby Hippo salvaged from a drying pan, all that combined in my barely 65Kg body was like pure chaos. I needed my sleep. The mind screamed YEEEEEEES, the body screamed back NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I watched Extreme Sports, fear factor, Terminator and read a Shakespeare publication but still, I could not drop my eye lids a single millimetre. I even drank cold water with hope of neutralising the levels of Red Bull in my body but that drink was determined to keep me up.

02:47, I clearly needed help. Like a Whale doing a flip, I jolted out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. My lean body didn't quite reflect a true image of how I felt like because the mirror was showing a body like Sheldon but I sure felt like Rambo. I needed to use my energy to some good cause so I came up with a plan, I am going to rearrange my room! I started off with moving my bed away from the centre of the room because I sleep with my lights on and when I close my eyes, the light right above my bed irritates me so much. I didn't even think light would travel through my eye lids to my eyes! I moved the fridge without and rearranged it too, bringing the milk and cheese where I can easily access them and taking the rest of the stuff right at the back. I arranged the pile of coins on my desk and calculated them, to my surprise, I didn't even make 5NAD yet!
Finally, I changed my pillow cases, this is like the toughest job I have ever done in my years of living alone.

03:59, It is almost 04:00 and the neighbour's dog will start barking in exactly one hour, I really needed to sleep. I could not hold back my shame and disappointment anymore, how could I?? If only I didn't test the energy drink's ability. With shame, I slotted in my bed and found my comfortable spot, I closed my eyes and promised myself I will stop my thinking and just doze off. Three minutes in bed and I am already thinking of September 11, why Bobby Shmurda should do a song with Jay Z and how Pythagora must have been some huge guy with a thick beard and very thick eye brows. I was on terrestrial journeys my dear.

05:00, I don't even know why I am not mad. My new clock's alarm went off. Yes, in a rather sarcastic tune, it buzzed and galloped all over my desk singing "Its a beautiful day for pie!", inspired by Peter Griffin. I hit the "silence" button and starring at the ceiling with my head resting on my hands, I spoke in  a fine but really annoyed tone, "RED BULL IS MAGIC". I will never ever, I mean NEVER EVER drink Red Bull again. not even if I become part of the Red Bull racing team. But if you want to experience the mind blogging energy levels and feel your toe nails cut through your socks, you have my blessings.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

My relationship with my clock fell through

Have you ever loved someone so much that you just can’t make it to work on time without that particular sweetheart? Or that she is always the reason you are seated in church before the pastor? Looking all holy and smelling like a five hundred acre of roses, with your shoes shiny as a clear calm sea and your tie so perfect that paparazzi will not take photos for the fear of messing it up with the vibrations caused by the camera flash? Well, if you can imagine such privileges in your life because of someone, I and you are on the same boat. The only difference is that mine is… rather was a clock. A beautiful Chinese make (no name), red round clock.

I still miss her tick tock in my silent room as I woke up feeling myself. We were like Romeo and Juliet; we had a relationship that Santa would have told angels on his way back to heaven. We were like inseparable, but that’s all history now because I sued that stupid clock and now she is serving a lifetime in my suitcase, without batteries and her hands of time, all frozen up like a malfunctioned time machine.

Why? Cause that stupid hobo just made me miss my bus to work! Why am I even mad? You are all probably asking yourself, well, because after missing he bus that I pay 400NAD every month, I actually made a loss of 13.33NAD, missed seeing the beautiful Damara girl who always seat at the back in the corner with her earphone pressed against her ear drums, made it one hour late at work, had my coffee late (very terrible situation), had a bad day thinking how on earth she could not let that alarm go off (this brought me a little depression) and to top it all, had my boss mocking me about the whole experience.

Not in my life was I ever late with one whole hour! I have always been so early, since birth. I was born 3 months early (family record) and I was the first in my family to actually not have a photo taken at my first birthday. No one can break this record. So for me to be one hour late doesn’t only make me look stupid but it completely confuses the whole “early Stefan” legacy that stood for 23 years.

For all these offences, I had no choice but to demote her. Now I just rely on the neighbour’s dog, that dog always start barking at 05:00, I don’t know if it hates some poor guy who always passes by that time or it is completely gone insane. Maybe it even barks at some aliens as they return to their spaceship just before we wake up.

Friday, 11 September 2015

Guide to surviving a shopping experience with girls

Who is not excited about going shopping? Everybody is excited, except if you are the other guy wearing his “I can do it smile”, flanked by four girls. Then in that case, you are in more trouble than a turtle turned on his back. You should be afraid. I won’t even feel sorry for you, instead, I will pray that a fairy comes and rescue you from that torture. I went shopping with my four small sisters a few weeks back and for the past week, I reflected on the traumatising event and I just had to share with ya’ll out there.

One girl already has the shopping flair to make you rip out your throat from growling with impatience and the urge to make her realise that you can’t walk 500miles in one day. Even Matt Galland (@mattinthewild) and his two adventure maniacs can’t do 500 Miles in a day, let alone just a simple dude with earphones stuck in his ears and a 1 year old beard? You need to follow my guide on how to exceptionally, successfully and effectively go shopping with four girls because it is an endurance game my brother; it is a “waiting for a miracle” game.

The first thing you need to ensure is actually to not go shopping with any girl at all. Just don’t do it, it’s a trap. It’s a set up to hurt your soul. Girls only invite guys for shopping because it is legal compared to torturing someone with razors or subjecting them to surgery without anaesthetics. Only setback with not going, or worse, turning her down is that you’ll be labeled as the most awful and horribly stinking worst guy in the history human existence.

Who wants to be the worst guy to ever walk the face of the Earth? Even Billy the Kid must’ve somehow felt guilty. Chances that you will have to accept that invitation are so high that if you turn her down, the whole world will know because that is like eighteen times bigger than Gerolamo Cardano’s 1545 foundation and implementation of the quadratic equation. Don’t be stupid, you have to go. Don’t be like those other kids who though Ebola is some guy from the Al Qaeda.

Like a Navy Seal getting ready to dive, you have to get your body and mind ready. It is not going to be a normal day. It will be a day of highs for the girls and major lows for you. So I recommend that you keep eating healthy and working out, because you never know when that invitation is going to hit you in the face like a Torpedo.

On the day of that invitation, you will probably wake up with a feeling that something so bad is going to happen. You won’t know exactly what but you will feel a change in the whole atmosphere, like how fish acts when an earthquake is about to hit. When one of them walks up to you with her sly smile and beautiful pale cheeks, you will obviously smile down at her cute face expecting something good, until she goes like, “You mind coming with us for shopping today? Please?” Don’t be fooled by the kind question, it is an order and you have no choice. It is game over.

Even for the fact that we give an assumption on the girls going to spend their own money, yours isn’t safe either so the first thing you need to do is a crush budget plan. You better get your dimes straight cause at every ice-cream parlor you pass by, it will make a tiny hole in your annual budget. One thing is very important, text a friend, male friend to be specific. Tell him to be on standby because you may need to be rescued when the girls finally hit the Kim Kardashian conversation topic and the only thing you know about Kim is her butt that seem to be hunted down by Paparazzi wherever she goes. You will need to talk about football and cars so you better have your thumb on the dial pad in case you get to breaking point.

Tell yourself that, “it is going to be alright.” Well, this is more like psychology. We all know it’s a wrap, you not going to be alright buddy, you are going to be in shreds by the second hour but just to instill that “I can do it” spirit, you’ll need to go through that ritual with yourself, just say it. Ask them questions; find out what exactly they are going to buy. Be ready to receive a list of all that Hem Matsi has ever thought of designing, and all that has ever gone trending on the streets in Johannesburg.

The idea is to make sure that whatever they mention, they do not include shoes. I know what I am talking about here because I once went shopping with my friend in Rothenburg ob der Tauber in Germany and oh boy did we spend two days in one shoe shop. I tell you what, there isn't a more complex and whirlwind situation like a having shoes and a girl in one shop.

If they mention anything related to a shoe shop, just fake death. Just drop dead on the ground and hold your breath for as long as they can freak out and call 911. Don’t worry with hurting your head as you drop at 9.81m/s on the ground, trust me, it is much better that accepting an invitation to go shoe shopping.

Create a 72 hour playlist and remember to include Alone by Celine Dion, Ryan Kirkland and perhaps throw in one from Heavy K just to reserve it for the moment when the girls walk up to a shop and realise it is closed, you will need to celebrate that moment.

Download a map of your town and the four nearby towns in all four major directions. You will also need a floor plan from the architectural company that designed the target location (Suggested mall/complex, often just bate). This is very important because girls may find their way out of the complex, they always do, but you will need to locate yourself in case the apocalypse hits while you are still in the maze.

Get hiking shoes that are one size bigger because you may spend your whole life shopping with the girls. Trust me on this one, girls can say they are going to buy a hat and next thing you know, they are covering an area the size of Australia and buying all sorts of stuff that the cotton and silk industry has ever produced.

Call your boss and take leave. Call in sick in advance. I don’t have to explain this.

Take razors and After-Shave lotion with you. Girls will go shopping for like 25 years so you need to keep your face in check, you don’t want to end up looking like Captain Jack Sparrow.

Take your passport with you. Girls can say they are going shopping at Wernhil, next thing you know, they want to check out these other shoes in some shops in New York City. Don’t even think that he flight prices will save you. Girls can fly from Windhoek to Cape Town for N$7500,00 just to buy shoes and a scarf that costs R299,00.

Take protein supplements and vitamins. Why? Girls will go shopping for two straight decades and only have two Ice Creams. You don’t want to start looking like you have never eaten since the days of JFK so you better go on that mission like a man going into space. Pack it all.

Lastly and this is probably the most important point, wear as many clothes as you can. This is not only to make sure that you have a supply of clothes for the whole experience that may last all four seasons but also that they will be discouraged to make you try on the jeans and shirts that they may want to get for their boyfriends.

But I know why girls take men for shopping, it is because shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. Until next time when you have survived the Shopping Spree, we will probably meet on an island, you are probably going to be with your boyfriends and girlfriends and I am going to be that guy with a vintage camera and a skew hairline, making your whole beach experience awkward with my hairy chest and transparent boxers. @StefanMutileni on twitter, at your service.

Friday, 4 September 2015

The Good and the Bad of Insomnia

If you never heard about me or seen me on TV or on some cool T Shirt or on a Bill Board, its probably because I have never been on any of those ones. Well, I am that other person who hardly agrees to the science of the rotation of the earth around the sun. But I will travel to Mexico by raft and literally hike through the thickest forests to prove that Aliens do exist and that I am the real Big Foot.

Lately I have been trying to compile an A4 page of explanations as to why staying up late is actually better than going to Disneyland and riding the roller-coasters with 8 year old kids just in case they take selfies with their iPhones (On selfie sticks, and you photobomb them. I made it to just over one quarter of the page. I didn’t know that font size 45 was that small. I don’t care though, I am going to explain it anyways, just because I could not do it while staying up does not mean I can’t during day time.

1.       Chance to discover Aliens first
Staying up actually means you have the chance to be one of the few people to discover the aliens and have your name written in history books, forever. Why not? After all, I do not think aliens will storm into a town during the day, chances are probably that they are photophobic and they probably see better in the night. I literally stay up each night and wait for an alienitical series of sounds and whistles so I pop my head through my window like, “Hey Aliens, do not fear anything, I won’t harm a fly”

2.       Guarding your half eaten dinner meal
We all have that one housemate who just won’t go to bed at 22:00 and get up at 06:00 the next day, that one person who will always get up at 01:15 to make sure that all the food left over after dinner is all gulped up and shovelled in his big mouth. I call them the Human Bears. Staying up at night means you have better chances of busting that pathetic trend and if we can minimise it, this habit will die down and it will go in extinction.
3.       Checking that no one adjusts your alarm clock from 06:00 to 07:00
I don’t know any other worse feeling than waking up one hour late. Not leaving the house one hour late, no, WAKING UP ONE HOUR LATE. I lose my mind and probably shout more than The Dogg has ever done on He He He. I jump and throw my shoes all over the room and once I actually wrestled my alarm clock and did a Mike Tyson bite on it. You don’t want any naughty housemate to adjust your alarm clock fam, it sucks big time and if you stay up at night, you actually eliminate any of such crappy manners.

4.       Getting fresh crispy and raw news
Remember that dude who had a tapeworm? Well, my aunt (she doesn’t stay up) apparently was told that there is a man in the south who gave birth to a baby snake. From tapeworm to snake real fast! I tell you what, people can edit the news, photos and even their eye brows so next time you want to take your ‘being informed” being seriously, better stay up at night cause a tiny innocent fly can just pass a certain house and next thing you know, a fish eating alien has been spotted in some fancy hotel in Goreagab Dam.

Disadvantages of insomnia

So far, I only discovered one disadvantage of staying up late at night.
>>>>>Watching American Football

Okay let’s face it, I am not saying the sport is bad, I just find it really funny that I can’t watch two seconds of it and not hurt my lungs. The same way I kind of watch rugby and I am like, seriously now? I watched two seconds of American football and I am like please stop, stop, STAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. I mean seriously now, those guys are wearing very tight spandex pants. SO this other guy gets the ball and runs very fast across the field in his shiny costume and shirt, then all the other guys of the opposite team also in spandex pants tries to catch him (just catch the ball guys, catch the ball). I don’t want my kids growing up watching any of that gay shit. Why don’t we just stick to Football and keep supporting Mourinho even when he jumps on The Team doctor? Okay I am done. Have a nice weekend ya’ll. Do not fornicate.

Don’t take my take on American football too serious, I hate people who catch feelings too fast.

Follow me on Twitter @pieMysterious