Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Open letter to the Hard Pizza Maker :(

Pizza should be in any state. It can have so much salt, less cheese, stones, sand, whatever. It can be as bad as any disgruntled Chef can choose to make it. It will probably have a name that suits that state anyways.

There is only one state that makes pizza so bad, when pizza comes as hard as a stone. My goodness, what did I just have for lunch? That pizza from a famous pizza place in Windhoek was as hard as a plate tectonic. I swear I thought I was eating a little island. Like a piece of Seychelles or Mauritius.

You ever had to chew something so hard that you had to close your eyes and pray that your westerns do not implode? my human rights were painfully violated. I literally got a pizza that enslaved me for 38 minutes. Why didn't I return it? I don't know, I mean... I really don't know.

The amount of force my jaws had to exert on that pizza can most probably not even be calculated using any of Einstein's formulas. I am as tired as ever. N$79.55 wasted on a pizza that was harder than the rock that was inscribed with the 10 Commandments. I am inclined to think that they mined that pizza. I was hungry. Little did I know that ordering a pizza will in the end make me angry.

Here is an open letter to the place that made this pizza that was delivered to me.

Dear Hard Pizza Makers

I hope that this open letter catches you off guard while you try and deliver more hard pizzas to innocent people. Let me let you in on a secret, the pizza you made that poor guy deliver to me, on an outdated scooter for that matter, it was as hard as marble.

It took me 38 minutes to finish the first slice. 38 Minutes, do you know how long 38 minutes is? You don't, because you stay in that place and eat your puff chips and fruits while you send us pizza that could be used to renovate the old Parliament. Maybe if you made enough hard pizzas, it could be used to build us a new parliament so we don't have to waste 700million. Ya'll should decide whether you even want to make pizza or bricks.

I had to bite that pizza with as much force as you would need if you wanted to dethrone Robert Mugabe. just so you know, medical aid doesn't cover injuries to jaws caused by hard pizzas. I wasted my 79.55 Namibian dollars that I could have used to buy something more useful like airtime to call you and really scold you for that stone pizza that you made. You owe me consultation fees with my dentist you unreasonable brick layers.

I thought of laying charges against ya'll. Jaw breaking attempt. Shame on you. I am so done with ya'll. Every time from now onwards, when you send out a hard pizza to a loyal (and a little broke) customer like me, just know that you could be responsible for jaw surgery. If you read this letter up to now you hard pizza making little piece of cat poo, you should go sit in a corner and think of what you just did.

Without even the tiniest kind regards,
Mad loyal (and a little broke) customer.
Do not reply to this letter because I will be in a doctor's room getting my jaws fixed and from here I will see a Psychologist because I am traumatized from how hard that pizza was.

Monday, 1 February 2016

You've got to learn how to keep up with Women.

Nothing is more awkward than sending a text that reads, "I am at this other erotic place", when it should have read "exotic place". Worse is when you send it to your crush and now she thinks you are definitely a night wanker. Disappointments. I do not like smart phones at all. You know what else is smart but will give you chest pains? Women. Yes that was not a typing error.

Women are very smart and that is the problem that we men will always face. They think ahead, they read between the lines and they know what you are going to say before you even say it.

Women don't ask to get answers, they ask so they confirm what they already know, women don't look for you, they come fetch you from where you are

You disagree with what I just said? It is okay! Isokaaaay!!! I can't believe you people believe in things like Santa Claus and the 4 leaf clover but you may not believe reality. This is reality!

A typical conversation on the phone with a woman will go like, now let us assume these two just recently met.

Him: Hey, did you get your hair done then? You told me about it yesterday.

Her: Oh yeah, I did.

Him: Send me a pic, let me see.

Her: My eyebrows are not done yet I look horrible.

Him: Oh no it is not always about your looks, it is about your heart... I mean...

Her: Huh? Wait, you want to see my titties already??

Him: No I said your heart not your...

Her: I thought you were different.

Him: No you don't understand I did not mean your titties. I meant your heart.

Her: So you are saying you don't want to see my boobies then?

Him: Uhm...

Her: Okay fine, go see the boobies you are used to.

him: No come on let me explain, I meant... *beep, beep, beep*

That phone was cut and he probably will not even believe what just happened, because he could not keep up. Women will have you on your toe tips.

A good guy will probably text her. I mean, we are that gentlemanly. We like to show affection. We like to be kind because that's life. Who wants to be rude to a woman? You must be out of your mind, in fact you must be walking around with an empty skull. Even a dead mind would know better. So let us say he brings out his soft side and text her.

Him: :) I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you.

Her: Talk to you later, I can't use my phone.

Him: Why? Where are you?

Her: At the hospital.

Him: For what?

Her: For these chest pains that you caused me.

Him: Oh no C'mon now don't do this.

Her: I will block you if you keep insisting.

*4 minute silence*

Her: John?

Her: John?? Are you ignoring me?

Her: John please talk to me.

Her: :( You are a fuckboy.

Him: No I am not. :(

Her: Why are you denying it? Why you catching? People only catch if what is being said is true.

Him: *switches phone off, destroy sim card, sells phone, buys ticket to India, start farming with cows*

She was probably a handful but hey, ya'll men out there with girlfriends and wives, nothing is more beautiful than having to understand your lady despite what she makes you go through. Women are fragile too so be a gentleman because if you get tired sooner than she can choose to hug you and whisper sweet "somethings" to you, it could all blow up.

John could not keep up. He can continue holding his L.