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Wednesday, 23 August 2017

HOW I GOT DUMPED AFTER 1 DAY.

Let me tell ya'll a story on how I “cyber dated” someone and she broke up with the day we met.

So I’m a 16 year old nerd, battered by puberty and horny like a little bull living in isolation.
I only have a sim card but I use it in mum’s phone to hit up girls, I don’t even know how I got numbers smh.

I was such a charming little brat, using words like “on contrary”, smooth talking a girl I have never seen in my life. 



She was feeling the homie, often texting like, “I am bored, tel me sunthin nyc nee"?” That shit was major back then.



I legit asked this girl out and she said “I will think about it” I knew I took that shot and damn sure hit the target clean. 

Must’ve been words like “actually”  and "flabbergasted", instead of just being a normal person and using the word surprised. I was slick, and puberty had my hormones blinding my focus. I was feeling like hell yeah I'm a young adult... 


Three/four days later she hits me up with “good morning my sweety love”

Fam, "Sweety love", Jackpot.

I’m like, “good morning my tika masala’, okay jokes, I didn’t say exactly that, but damn I was being romantically careful with the words.

I flirted my way into a relationship and all I knew was her  nickname and her cellphone number, ancestors probably whispered ‘men are trash, look at this one losing to puberty’ 



Fast forward, the day came when we had to meet, its school holidays and she’s home too.
I woke up very early that day, gotta meet the bae. I was in tip top shape and form!! 

But before I left the house, first things first, I had to quickly take a bath, those ones where you only concentrate on the visible parts like the face, arm and legs. 

So then I went to meet her at Game shopping centre, called her, saw this girl answering the phone but I was still like, “are you the one wearing a white top”?


She looked so beautiful damn yes girl gimme that Omungwelume smile. 



“look the side of the service”, she did, saw me and stood up. SHE WAS SOOO TALL
I was like damn no girl wait a minute what????



I swear I could wear mum’s heels she’d still be taller than me. I was so mad, sweating and confused, like what do I do now. She already suffered that rough ride from Omungwelume to Oshakati, it was that time when that road was still gravel. 

But, "MAN IS MAN BABY!!!! Its all gonna be alright", so I told myself. I knew that our match was not made in heaven per say but it was made juuuust a little outside, but that was okay. We went home, she was holding my hand and because I'm way shorter than her and chubby, it looked like Peter Crouch was in town pulling a suitcase. 

We got home and before I even sat down, i reactivated my romanticness again,,

"You want water or... Oros?" 

Not even 2 seconds elapsed after I asked her, she said, "Oros... I want Oros"
I was disappointed, I was hoping she will say water because the Oros was almost finished and the one that was left was only for family.

But anyways, I served her one glass. the ratio of water to Oros was perfect, that's my talent, blending Oros. Also, i had to make a good first impression, knowing how to make the best Oros increases your chances of getting a partner with 45%. 

I quickly left her to go to the bathroom, I did not want to pee or do the number 2, I just wanted to avoid those award moments, I had to go and think of the perfect thing to talk about with her. 

And this is when things really went south, like, things really went terribly wrong. When I came back from the bathroom, this girl had the Oros glass in her hand and... it looked just waaaaayyyy too bright than when I left it, and this glass was almost full to the brim. That's when I noticed, that THIS GIRL MADE HERSELF ANOTHER GLASS OF OROS!!!!

I did you a favor, risked my life to make you a tasty glass of Oros when even us who are from the house, we only add a little Oros to tap water, JUST TO ADD SOME COLOR!!!! 

NOW YOU MADE YOURSELF ANOTHER FULL GLASS GIRL WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!! 

I was so mad I could not even concentrate anymore, then she hit me with "Now you are angry nee for Oorosa?" In a deep kwanyama accent.

YEAH I AM ANGRY DO YOU KNOW THE KIND OF BEATING I WILL RECEIVE CAUSE I SERVED SOME GIRL OROS THAT WAS MEANT FOR KIDS?????? YOU JUST RUINED MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!! 

I was like, GET UP!!! 
Get up, let me escort you to the buses so you go home, i can't do this. You came here for the first time and the first thing you do is DRINK ALL OUR OROS!!! 

So I escorted her, she took the bus. i went home to google excuses that i needed to have before anyone asked me what happened to the last Oros. 

That seeing, she broke up with me, and I have never been so relieved, because there's no way we can date if you get too comfortable on your first date that you actually make yourself a cup of Oros. 

A big shout out to my buddy from Omungwelume, Shawty B, my brother from another mother, the deep kwanyama Jackson Mandume, I've got mad love for ya'll buddies who keep up with Blue Short Pants, big ups.

By the way, now I offer my girl wine. :) 

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