Thursday, 10 May 2018

Catch me if you can!

Allow me, to apologize for the long extended holiday off the blog, mans was busy but he decided to tell ya'll one of his most sentimental stories and that's what's important.

I missed ya'll too, it's been a while... I mean, Mugabe had since then been taken out of the chair he sat for so long, Zuma surprisingly got dethroned too from the iron throne, Arsene Wenger out of all possible managers to leave their teams, he is leaving at the end of the season!! To be honest the only person who seem to stay longer than we all expected is Donald Trump. I mean, that mas said all the wrong things a president could say and stay in office or not have nukes flying all up in Washington DC, Trump has been the most un-presidential president and believe it or not, he is still in office. The only good thing Trump did when he went in that office was prove to us how much he shouldn't have become a president. Enough politics.

Now this is one of those stories that I never thought I'd live to tell... or at least not from behind bars, literally. See, I thought I'd either be dead, in heaven sipping on fine juice cause I was a minor back then, or in hell, trying to lick my wounds with my flaming tongue looking like a sad marshmallow being grilled on Lucifer fires. It never occurred to me that I could outrun a whole mob trying to catch my silly ass. 

See, I had Pigeons when I was about 12/13 years. I looked at myself as a future bird farmer, doing bird things like really being a bird whisperer, cross breeding chickens with ducks to make something like a Kiwi bird. I had major dreams, and I was pretty much determined to achieve them... until one of my pigeons went missing. Just like that, I wake up and poof, it is gone. My favorite then, a grey male with a lazy eye and a crippled pigeon foot. i was not going to get hurt if he was not the Pigeon-men of the house, he was the one making the other pigeons make smaller pigeons, if you know I mean, even if this one was practicing polygamy and stuff, he was still helping me achieve my bird farming purpose, to expand. He was literally living in the same place with his wife and his side pigeon.

I was sad, I was devastated, my farming dream was crushing right before my eyes. The female pigeons were looking at me with teary eyes, looking for answers in their pigeon voices but I did not know what to to tell them. I was heartbroken, why did it have to be my Grey male with a lazy eye and a crippled pigeon foot?? But I was not going to stay there and beat myself up, I needed to find him. So I decided to casually visit all y friends who also had pigeons, none of them had him. Weekend past, we back to school. Now, the school's grade 9 life sciences required students to farm with animals and our school had Pigeons. I had passed by that place a lot of times and I swear I have never seen a grey male with a lazy eye in that place, never. So that day, I creeped up closer. I was nervous, heart beating and skin self moisturizing with sweat... I looked at each one of them close from outside the fence and BOOM, there was a grey male with a lazy eye and a crippled pigeon foot. I know my eyes could have been playing tricks on me but... grey like mine? lazy eye like mine? CRIPPLED PIGEON FOOT LIKE MIIINNNEEE???? Fam I know pigeons can look alike but that one, that was my pigeon and I was not going to believe otherwise.

So I went to class, pulled my best friend out and told him that we are breaking out my pigeon. He was like dude are you crazy? The school has a security guard and there's afternoon students later. I calmed him down.

Him: How are you going to break in and not get noticed?

Me: *silence* We will not break in. 

Him: Exactly, damn. You wanna put yourself in trouble. 

Me: I mean we will not break in but we are not going home without my pigeon today. 

Him: How do you plan to do that?

Me: We will be the ones to feed them today after school.

Fam, we were busy at work planning how to break out my grey pigeon with a lazy eye and a crippled foot.

Now, at that moment, I felt like the real captain Jacksparrow, I went up to the teachers holding the food and told him I need a couple of bags cause I will feed them pigeons after class. So we stay long after school and when it was quiet, we went in, we fed them and my friend quickly caught my grey pigeon with a lazy eye and a crippled pigeon foot. We got out, I locked up and we decided to head for the gate... half way there, now mind you we didn't have anywhere to put this pigeon and my friend was walking behind me, I didn't know he was holding the pigeon in his hands, like dude why you holding something we just "stole" in your hands??? Out of nowhere, some silly ass kid spotted the pigeon in my friend's hands and shouted 'THEY ARE STEAALLING THE PIGGEEEOOONNNSSSS CATCH THEEEEEMMM" it was almost like we were now in the spotlight 😞😞😞

Big mistake, not from me, ha a. from my friend and also from the kid who just sounded the alarm, I was always a step ahead, no lie. So I turned, told him to hand me the pigeon and we run, when he was handing it over, thing just flew away. Damn, now everyone has seen the pigeon flying away from MY hands so everyone was probably out to catch me. I was not going to have it, so we bolted. I ran so fast that I don't even know how I skipped past everyone trying to catch me, I wore rather heavy shoes that would not allow anyone to sprint but I guess the adrenaline just really fired up in my system and I went from a Sloth to a Rabbit real quick. Fam, I believe I was running faster than Bolt ever did...

I could hear my friend shouting from the back, "wait for me bruh" Oh nah nigga this was not part of our agreement!! As a matter of facts, that energy used to shout could have taken him 3 steps forward. There was no time to shout and cry, we needed to run and homeboy seemed to have missed the memo.

I ran so fast that I did not even look behind to see exactly how many people were after me. I remember that my friend was caught, but me, nah fam I was doing a Mo Farah for days, I was skipping those short bushes like a Deer, ignoring the pain in my legs, I was not slowing down. I reached home in a matter of minutes, sweating and panting like a dog. Looking so traumatized, not cause I almost got caught but cause not even I could believe I could run that fast. So there i was, in the "safety" of my mother's vicinity, just to hear voices after a couple of minutes and IT'S 3 WOMEN FROM THE SCHOOL'S OPEN MARKET PLACE!!! I knew then it was going to be a long day, so what do i do? What a man's got to do fam, I ran out of the house as fast as I could, I headed for a lake close to our house and my plan was, if they come, I'll swim... I mean what would 50 year old's do, fish me out like a seal? No ways. I watched them go in the house and leave after some minutes. When I got back, I could tell that mum was seething to whip the black out of me, you know black mother's will whip your ass so bad you'll want some your friends to come get that whipping also so they believe you when you say your mum has legendary whipping technique? So I broke silence first and explained to her, she listened but did not side with me. That was fine with me, as long as she was not going to swing that belt on my little tired self, then we good. 

Fast forward, it was Tuesday morning and we had to go back to school. I get there and see the same 3 women standing there with the teachers at our morning devotions, like fam why you gotta be so hooked up in catching us, they aren't even your pigeons meme why are you so concerned?? But they were just being black responsible mothers you know. Mum told me that if it's really my Pigeon, i must just go explain but if it's not, she will cash me ouussiiiddeee. Now, I was not going to be whipped, never. i was also not going to just give up my pigeon like that, I knew that was my pigeon! So because I'm a bad b*tch, I went to the office of the dude we got grains from the previous day, told him what happened and while I'm talking, the three Pigeon Police Women came there too, one of them pointed at me like "There he is!!!", I was clam like, ladies, I already explained to the teacher here what happened, and HE said, we will go to that place and if that pigeon went back and is mine, I am taking it with home, today. You know, I had the support of the teacher, even when he was mad that I didn't tell him "my" pigeon was there.

So we go, all gathered there like civilized people, almost like 3 of them didn't try to catch me the day before and like I didn't just break Usain Bolt's records trying to save my ass. I told them, "My pigeon is male, grey with a lazy eye and a clubfoot" So we all look inside like yeah where is he where is he, damn they couldn't wait to catch me out so they get me whipped for lying. So I calmly told them, "he must be with the ones outside, cause he flew away remember?" So the teacher called for some grains, released all of them and fed them outside, and THERE HE WAS, THE MAJESTIC GREY MALE WITH A LAZY EYE AND A CLUBFOOT!!

The 3 women, they just stood there like the three blind mice. Not even apologizing to the boy for think he is lying af. The Pigeons were guided back to their enclosure and I was told to get my grey pigeon with a lazy eye after school. Meanwhile, my best friend mboli received some ass whooping the previous day, all in the name of helping me rescue my pigeon, if that's not what friends are for then at least I still discovered then that i was a potential 100m sprinter, marathon champion, I had the steps of Bryan Habana and my pigeon farming dream was alive. 

Even if that dream died months later when I went home and I was told my pigeons died. I still think someone ate them up. 

Folks, if you lose something, just follow the channels to look for and get it back, don't be like young Stef, some ya'll can't even run, you'll be caught and your ass whooped. 

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