I joined Facebook in 2010 after a long time of
thinking and believing that those who use Facebook are simply boring people who
don’t know any better thing to do than say a shitload of crap on or
mysteriously become Philosophers. I have since witnessed evolution of humankind
on Facebook. None of that actually really pissed me off until lately when a new
wave of weird and often really annoying trends swept through this lovely
Facebook generation. From meaningless slang to girls uploading duck faces.
1.
Woman crush Wednesday / Man crush Monday
I am not really
a fan of modern flirting or this whole internet slang thing and I am especially
really pissed off because English seem to be under a global douchebag slang
disease. The biggest lately being this WCW and MCM thing. I thought it was
cool, especially after someone texted me like; “you could be my MCM you know”,
I was like, “Girl you make me weak”, you see, I’m like still in the vintage
form of flirting which many find so boring but at least I don’t end up with a
modern relationshit.
Few days later,
I searched on the net, “what does MCM stand for?” 98% of the answers were from
Tumbler, Internetslang.com and Urban dictionary and it is Man crush Monday.
Give me a break, I have no problem with this really, it is just that maybe it
must at least have a concrete meaning. I don’t even want to be referred to as a
crush or crusher or something like that. Man what happened to names like
Pumpkin, sweetheart and Prince Charming??
“Dear xyz, I
take back my *thank you* from the MCM conversation we had last week, regards,
Blue Short Pants”
2.
Windhoek here I come (or any other town)
What are you?
Thor?? Oh wow we are excited; we are lined up along the main road to welcome
you. Thank you so much for telling us that for the next 7 hours, your bum will
be squashed on the bus. Okay nothing wrong with that but seriously; do you
really have to let the whole world know that you are on your way to Windhoek?
Ok then what? Why don’t you go to your music app, make a seven hour playlist
and plug in your earphones? Next time you want to tell us you are on your way,
stop making it look like you are JFK or some revolutionary superhero.
3.
Thanks for accepting my friend request
This is often
more awkward than annoying. I mean alright cool, I know you are really this humble
and Santastic individual but this kind of politeness is really annoying. What
was I supposed to do? Say you welcome? Okay I will say welcome and paste a
truckload of mind soothing emotions on your kindness, make it look like
thanksgiving. No, I’ll pass.
4.
Welcome to my world
Oh wow, really?
Welcome to my world? Alright, I was lost, I was on a different galaxy in some
weird life and I needed a new world to live in, happens, it was my lucky day
and you decided to give me a new one. What is the name? Shiarth?
What is more
annoying about this is that this person will add you, then you accept and then
they are all Hurrah on your wall like “Welcome to my world”. I get to feel like
I am a complete lost soul that someone kind enough decided to give me a piece
of their world on a social network. Man, welcome to Zuckerberg’s confused and
hysterically hilarious social network.
5.
OMG Nice weather
Dear Facebook
Weatherman,
Thank you. Thank
you so much Weatherman. We are stuck in a cave and have no idea what is going
on out there, we really need your inflow of weather updates. It must be raining
candies or storming Punch out there, after all, the weather has got your jaws dropping
like OMG. We look forward to more updates, tell us also when it is a baby
making weather, it is really important.
Regards,
Family stuck in
a cave
6.
Who is up? I am bored. (at 02h17)
Seriously? Like
really, who is up? I have no problem with you lying down in the dark blinking
and starring at your phone waiting for a text that says, “Ow hey am up, let us
talk about Bats and the night sky or some BBA hotshots. I only have a problem
with the logic behind this. If someone is up, they will answer yes if they are
as bored as you are. If they are not, especially in my case at that time of the
hour, I can’t reply, not even if I had the most severe sleeping disorder will I
sleep-text and get it right.
Why don’t you
start adding security guards and maybe guys from NASA? They’ll sure chat at
that hour. And by the way this is how your text should read instead; “hey aliens
and my insomnia team, I am still up, I am boring, somebody pass me a sleep shot
please, LOL ROTFL, J :p Bleh Okay
Peace out (y)”
7.
Replies on Girls photos
With this, I am
often already under acute shock and pissed-off-state that I can only wish I did
mind my business in the first place. The most shocking comments are often from
the other girls, I mean I really like the “humour” and sisterhood but… Come on,
just cause you and your buddy went through a lot together does not mean you
need to deliver an OMG so cute text below the pic.
I have seen some
comments that have you thinking it is Nicole Scherzinger but when the photo finally loads, I am just thinking oh boy, who painted this face? Did the kids
play with the crayons again??? Girls with the tendency of complimenting each
other’s beauty despite each other’s beauty really piss me off.
Then we have
this Niggas commenting like “looking fine baby”, “Splendid”, “Give me your
number”, “Gorgs”, “I love you” Okay am out, peace out niggas, this is total
madness.
8.
HBD
It is my birthday;
it marks a certain numbers of years for me, a milestone. It also means am coming
closer to being old, slow, almost blind and deaf, I will eventually die. My
life is both exciting and scary. Exactly the reason why I do not want boring,
lazy and talk-shy humans who just post HBD on my timeline after a notification
popped up like “hey, its Stef’s birthday”, why didn’t you just ignore?
Now I have to
come to terms with an abbreviation on my timeline, this is not a graffiti wall,
it is my timeline, it is my almost public diary and obituary too. If you don’t
Have time or the words to wish me a decent happy birthday, keep scrolling,
maybe find some Facebook adds to follow or this shitty candy crush… no, candy
crush is cool… In a nutshell, just don’t post that shitty abbreviation on my
timeline. I really hope Facebook will come up with a notification that pops up
after you post some shitty stuff like “Your
post has been identified as being inhumane and a threat to world’s peace, this
is your last warning”
9.
Rest in Peace #Tears
Oh, I am
touched; I am deeply touched you are crying so much you just had to hashtag it.
I bet your phone is all soaked up. If I die, please show me some respect it and
don’t exaggerate it this much. What is wrong with you people? I don’t even know
who discovered this hashtag thing, it has been so misused. I hashtag useless
stuff like #Hashtag or #Lol which apparently does not make sense but #tears??
Nxo, smh
10. I thought of
selfies but no ways, I love selfies and everyone who takes selfies… I love them
so much I’d so much wish to take a selfie just before I die, I would call it,
the farewell selfie. I really will take so many selfies in my bed every time I
don’t feel well. I would like you guys to investigate the last selfie I take
before I die so that one day it goes into a museum like “The last selfie”, just
under my obituary.
 |
| Something like this. In your face suckas. Selfies are cool. |
So that said,
the last thing on Facebook that piss me off is:
People who hate selfies.
You
guys really creep me out I’d pass by your houses in a tank in case you want to
attack me. I am not going to waste my energy and talk about you, instead, I am
going to leave it here.
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