Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Top 10 Facebook updates / posts that piss me off

I joined Facebook in 2010 after a long time of thinking and believing that those who use Facebook are simply boring people who don’t know any better thing to do than say a shitload of crap on or mysteriously become Philosophers. I have since witnessed evolution of humankind on Facebook. None of that actually really pissed me off until lately when a new wave of weird and often really annoying trends swept through this lovely Facebook generation. From meaningless slang to girls uploading duck faces.

1.     Woman crush Wednesday / Man crush Monday

I am not really a fan of modern flirting or this whole internet slang thing and I am especially really pissed off because English seem to be under a global douchebag slang disease. The biggest lately being this WCW and MCM thing. I thought it was cool, especially after someone texted me like; “you could be my MCM you know”, I was like, “Girl you make me weak”, you see, I’m like still in the vintage form of flirting which many find so boring but at least I don’t end up with a modern relationshit.

Few days later, I searched on the net, “what does MCM stand for?” 98% of the answers were from Tumbler, Internetslang.com and Urban dictionary and it is Man crush Monday. Give me a break, I have no problem with this really, it is just that maybe it must at least have a concrete meaning. I don’t even want to be referred to as a crush or crusher or something like that. Man what happened to names like Pumpkin, sweetheart and Prince Charming??

“Dear xyz, I take back my *thank you* from the MCM conversation we had last week, regards, Blue Short Pants”

2.     Windhoek here I come (or any other town)

What are you? Thor?? Oh wow we are excited; we are lined up along the main road to welcome you. Thank you so much for telling us that for the next 7 hours, your bum will be squashed on the bus. Okay nothing wrong with that but seriously; do you really have to let the whole world know that you are on your way to Windhoek? Ok then what? Why don’t you go to your music app, make a seven hour playlist and plug in your earphones? Next time you want to tell us you are on your way, stop making it look like you are JFK or some revolutionary superhero.

3.     Thanks for accepting my friend request

This is often more awkward than annoying. I mean alright cool, I know you are really this humble and Santastic individual but this kind of politeness is really annoying. What was I supposed to do? Say you welcome? Okay I will say welcome and paste a truckload of mind soothing emotions on your kindness, make it look like thanksgiving. No, I’ll pass.

4.     Welcome to my world

Oh wow, really? Welcome to my world? Alright, I was lost, I was on a different galaxy in some weird life and I needed a new world to live in, happens, it was my lucky day and you decided to give me a new one. What is the name? Shiarth?
What is more annoying about this is that this person will add you, then you accept and then they are all Hurrah on your wall like “Welcome to my world”. I get to feel like I am a complete lost soul that someone kind enough decided to give me a piece of their world on a social network. Man, welcome to Zuckerberg’s confused and hysterically hilarious social network.

5.     OMG Nice weather

Dear Facebook Weatherman,

Thank you. Thank you so much Weatherman. We are stuck in a cave and have no idea what is going on out there, we really need your inflow of weather updates. It must be raining candies or storming Punch out there, after all, the weather has got your jaws dropping like OMG. We look forward to more updates, tell us also when it is a baby making weather, it is really important.

Family stuck in a cave

6.     Who is up? I am bored. (at 02h17)

Seriously? Like really, who is up? I have no problem with you lying down in the dark blinking and starring at your phone waiting for a text that says, “Ow hey am up, let us talk about Bats and the night sky or some BBA hotshots. I only have a problem with the logic behind this. If someone is up, they will answer yes if they are as bored as you are. If they are not, especially in my case at that time of the hour, I can’t reply, not even if I had the most severe sleeping disorder will I sleep-text and get it right.

Why don’t you start adding security guards and maybe guys from NASA? They’ll sure chat at that hour. And by the way this is how your text should read instead; “hey aliens and my insomnia team, I am still up, I am boring, somebody pass me a sleep shot please, LOL ROTFL, J :p Bleh Okay Peace out (y)”

7.     Replies on Girls photos

With this, I am often already under acute shock and pissed-off-state that I can only wish I did mind my business in the first place. The most shocking comments are often from the other girls, I mean I really like the “humour” and sisterhood but… Come on, just cause you and your buddy went through a lot together does not mean you need to deliver an OMG so cute text below the pic.

I have seen some comments that have you thinking it is Nicole Scherzinger but when the photo finally loads, I am just thinking oh boy, who painted this face? Did the kids play with the crayons again??? Girls with the tendency of complimenting each other’s beauty despite each other’s beauty really piss me off.
Then we have this Niggas commenting like “looking fine baby”, “Splendid”, “Give me your number”, “Gorgs”, “I love you” Okay am out, peace out niggas, this is total madness.

8.     HBD

It is my birthday; it marks a certain numbers of years for me, a milestone. It also means am coming closer to being old, slow, almost blind and deaf, I will eventually die. My life is both exciting and scary. Exactly the reason why I do not want boring, lazy and talk-shy humans who just post HBD on my timeline after a notification popped up like “hey, its Stef’s birthday”, why didn’t you just ignore?

Now I have to come to terms with an abbreviation on my timeline, this is not a graffiti wall, it is my timeline, it is my almost public diary and obituary too. If you don’t Have time or the words to wish me a decent happy birthday, keep scrolling, maybe find some Facebook adds to follow or this shitty candy crush… no, candy crush is cool… In a nutshell, just don’t post that shitty abbreviation on my timeline. I really hope Facebook will come up with a notification that pops up after you post some shitty stuff like “Your post has been identified as being inhumane and a threat to world’s peace, this is your last warning

9.     Rest in Peace #Tears

Oh, I am touched; I am deeply touched you are crying so much you just had to hashtag it. I bet your phone is all soaked up. If I die, please show me some respect it and don’t exaggerate it this much. What is wrong with you people? I don’t even know who discovered this hashtag thing, it has been so misused. I hashtag useless stuff like #Hashtag or #Lol which apparently does not make sense but #tears?? Nxo, smh

10.  I thought of selfies but no ways, I love selfies and everyone who takes selfies… I love them so much I’d so much wish to take a selfie just before I die, I would call it, the farewell selfie. I really will take so many selfies in my bed every time I don’t feel well. I would like you guys to investigate the last selfie I take before I die so that one day it goes into a museum like “The last selfie”, just under my obituary.

Something like this. In your face suckas. Selfies are cool.

So that said, the last thing on Facebook that piss me off is:

People who hate selfies. 

You guys really creep me out I’d pass by your houses in a tank in case you want to attack me. I am not going to waste my energy and talk about you, instead, I am going to leave it here.

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