Take all, just not my Coffee Mug!

So it is a very good Monday morning, I am in a suit and I smell like a basket of roses. The finest of them all. I've got my hair combed, this is not normal for me. My hairline is behaving and I am wearing my "hey ya'll what's good?" typa smile, I am electrified!  I am ready to take on this so called blue Monday and nothing can stop me. Everything I touch blows up like dynamite.

I made myself even more comfortable in the rotating chair, with my legs dangling half way to the floor. Haters gonna say I'm short, well I am not really short, everyone is just tall. So I pick my tasks and head off to the small cute kitchen in the office building. I smiled wide, I'm sure it was more of a really stupid grin when I saw the coffee machine. With my index finger, I pressed "ON" and holly molly the orgasmic feeling as its fans kicked in, that almost silent "bbbzzzzzz" as it carefully prepares the load of coffee beans to grind and churn the moment you press "COFFEE". Yaaayyy

So I headed back to my office which is just a few yards away from the kitchen, walking as if I am almost dancing across the hall way. My shoes making that "tap, tap" sound as I gentlemanly hop across the tiled floor. Trying hard not to slip. I arrived at my desk, searched it for my awesome coffee mug. And... it is not there. I thought, "Hmmm, perhaps I left it at the sink, let me go back to the kitchen", I often did that. So I head back to the kitchen, clicking my fingers and waving my arms, sending my suit in waves like a flag.

I got to the kitchen and screened it through my bifocal specs, there was no ways I was going to miss a thing in that small room. I saw the table cloths, I saw the glasses and cups, the stubborn spider on the wall, somehow it never dies even when we empty a doom can in that room, I swear that spider is immune to chemicals now. I searched once, twice, THRICE, FOURICE... Okay maybe fourice isn't a word. Point is, I searched for the FOURTH time and my coffee mug was nowhere to be found.

WHERE IS MY COFFEE MUG? Who would dare to take it in the first place? I made it clear the first day I got it that "YOU MAY TAKE ANYTHING, JUST NOT MY COFFEE MUG!!!!!"

My blood boiled, my face felt like ants walking on it as sweat started to form, my collars suddenly felt tighter around my neck and my lips started to tremble like I was playing a flute. I was on a 5 here, I could not afford to get to 10 but damn my coffee mug was gone. Just about three months after I got it, I never even dropped it, I never left it dirty, I never ever made it feel like it was not loved. But just like that, boom, it was no where to be found. GONE!!! But we all know the coffee mug can't grow tiny ceramic legs and walk away right?

Hol'up! Someone out there is having my coffee mug. Holding it hostage ready to use it. Probably not keeping it in a "cold and dry place" and I am here ready to chew coffee beans and gurgle hot water to make up for a missed cup of coffee? Naw man, it is not happening. I have to make the things that will even us up, possible.

I have to make sure that justice is delivered in this situation, if it means launching an operation "Find Pie's Coffee Mug", I shall do that! So first things first, I can't get coffee because someone out there cupnapped my coffee mug? Then no one at the office will have coffee. So I disconnected the coffee machine and pasted on it a note that read, "OUT OF ORDER"

I am sorry but when you take my coffee mug, you will just awaken my pettiness.

I walked back to my office with my head low, looking so broken, like a kid who just threw his last penny in the chocolate vendor machine, just to realize that the machine is switched off. I am hurt! After everything I have done to preserve that coffee mug, someone took it away from me.

I am getting a new coffee mug and this time, I am protecting it with my life. Touch it and get sniped! Pew pew, "Mayday mayday, we have a situation, the subject is seen heading for the kitchen with the absolutely fantastic coffee mug of Mr. PieMysterious, AKA Blue Short Pants, AKA Stef... get in formation!!

Much love ya'll, (Even for the Coffee Mug Thief). And My Aunt too.

Hearts

I can not lose my identity in trying to identify with you.

But little does that knowledge grant freedom to this heart. You enslaved me with your unapologetic stare, my inner voice hushed by your silence, yet your loud presence echoed in the distance, like a scorching sun it burned my soul to ashes. Have you noticed the scars we bear? The marks for ages to come, I saw them daily, when the days got dark, I started to feel them with trembling fear that I would never know what you meant when you said, "You understand."

Maybe the symbols we left to mark our space in this wide universe would have helped locate our true identities, but the dust settled and all I could see was space. Where you used to be, the vast void that speech could not fill. I got to feel like the world hates us as much, even our own voices stopped to echo back to us, space took them in but denied us a place called home. We lived for tomorrows that we never really got to reach. The future painted in what made it through the dust. I celebrated my nature to not be able to walk away. Now I hate my then abilities to not see through the crystal clear surface, as we walked on thin ice, unknowingly treading on enchanted land.

Past ghosts of uncertainty, haunting us and driving us to our farthest extremes, bullying us into believing that our destinies were stretched by unmatched patterns. The light at the end of the tunnel was blinding, the morning stars lifting the dark curtains over the darkened nights. Speech with it, it took away more than a day could build.

I saw your image, but I did not know you.

Wait, time sealed the misfortunes, bottled it up and threw it down the river. The tide carrying it down to places we left for good, for all it takes we will never go back. stretching over for the pebble heap, skidding over the stream, hoping they make it to the banks. The vast space of "what ifs", the discomfort in thinking of the worst that could happen. But I still plunged down, risking what was left, for what you never even told me. Swam when I could, not that I wanted to be a hero, to rescue your apparent brokenness, no... I did so because you were strong enough to rescue me in case I drowned in my own sorrow.

All that just to be eclipsed by the happiness we never dreamt of. Hold my hand.

Open letter to the Hard Pizza Maker :(

Pizza should be in any state. It can have so much salt, less cheese, stones, sand, whatever. It can be as bad as any disgruntled Chef can choose to make it. It will probably have a name that suits that state anyways.

There is only one state that makes pizza so bad, when pizza comes as hard as a stone. My goodness, what did I just have for lunch? That pizza from a famous pizza place in Windhoek was as hard as a plate tectonic. I swear I thought I was eating a little island. Like a piece of Seychelles or Mauritius.

You ever had to chew something so hard that you had to close your eyes and pray that your westerns do not implode? my human rights were painfully violated. I literally got a pizza that enslaved me for 38 minutes. Why didn't I return it? I don't know, I mean... I really don't know.

The amount of force my jaws had to exert on that pizza can most probably not even be calculated using any of Einstein's formulas. I am as tired as ever. N$79.55 wasted on a pizza that was harder than the rock that was inscribed with the 10 Commandments. I am inclined to think that they mined that pizza. I was hungry. Little did I know that ordering a pizza will in the end make me angry.

Here is an open letter to the place that made this pizza that was delivered to me.

Dear Hard Pizza Makers

I hope that this open letter catches you off guard while you try and deliver more hard pizzas to innocent people. Let me let you in on a secret, the pizza you made that poor guy deliver to me, on an outdated scooter for that matter, it was as hard as marble.

It took me 38 minutes to finish the first slice. 38 Minutes, do you know how long 38 minutes is? You don't, because you stay in that place and eat your puff chips and fruits while you send us pizza that could be used to renovate the old Parliament. Maybe if you made enough hard pizzas, it could be used to build us a new parliament so we don't have to waste 700million. Ya'll should decide whether you even want to make pizza or bricks.

I had to bite that pizza with as much force as you would need if you wanted to dethrone Robert Mugabe. just so you know, medical aid doesn't cover injuries to jaws caused by hard pizzas. I wasted my 79.55 Namibian dollars that I could have used to buy something more useful like airtime to call you and really scold you for that stone pizza that you made. You owe me consultation fees with my dentist you unreasonable brick layers.

I thought of laying charges against ya'll. Jaw breaking attempt. Shame on you. I am so done with ya'll. Every time from now onwards, when you send out a hard pizza to a loyal (and a little broke) customer like me, just know that you could be responsible for jaw surgery. If you read this letter up to now you hard pizza making little piece of cat poo, you should go sit in a corner and think of what you just did.

Without even the tiniest kind regards,

Mad loyal (and a little broke) customer.

Do not reply to this letter because I will be in a doctor's room getting my jaws fixed and from here I will see a Psychologist because I am traumatized from how hard that pizza was.

You've got to learn how to keep up with Women.

Nothing is more awkward than sending a text that reads, "I am at this other erotic place", when it should have read "exotic place". Worse is when you send it to your crush and now she thinks you are definitely a night wanker. Disappointments. I do not like smart phones at all. You know what else is smart but will give you chest pains? Women. Yes that was not a typing error.

Women are very smart and that is the problem that we men will always face. They think ahead, they read between the lines and they know what you are going to say before you even say it.

Women don't ask to get answers, they ask so they confirm what they already know, women don't look for you, they come fetch you from where you are

You disagree with what I just said? It is okay! Isokaaaay!!! I can't believe you people believe in things like Santa Claus and the 4 leaf clover but you may not believe reality. This is reality!

A typical conversation on the phone with a woman will go like, now let us assume these two just recently met.

Him: Hey, did you get your hair done then? You told me about it yesterday.

Her: Oh yeah, I did.

Him: Send me a pic, let me see.

Her: My eyebrows are not done yet I look horrible.

Him: Oh no it is not always about your looks, it is about your heart... I mean...

Her: Huh? Wait, you want to see my titties already??

Him: No I said your heart not your...

Her: I thought you were different.

Him: No you don't understand I did not mean your titties. I meant your heart.

Her: So you are saying you don't want to see my boobies then?

Him: Uhm...

Her: Okay fine, go see the boobies you are used to.

him: No come on let me explain, I meant... *beep, beep, beep*

That phone was cut and he probably will not even believe what just happened, because he could not keep up. Women will have you on your toe tips.

A good guy will probably text her. I mean, we are that gentlemanly. We like to show affection. We like to be kind because that's life. Who wants to be rude to a woman? You must be out of your mind, in fact you must be walking around with an empty skull. Even a dead mind would know better. So let us say he brings out his soft side and text her.

Him: :) I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you.

Her: Talk to you later, I can't use my phone.

Him: Why? Where are you?

Her: At the hospital.

Him: For what?

Her: For these chest pains that you caused me.

Him: Oh no C'mon now don't do this.

Her: I will block you if you keep insisting.

*4 minute silence*

Her: John?

Her: John?? Are you ignoring me?

Her: John please talk to me.

Her: :( You are a fuckboy.

Him: No I am not. :(

Her: Why are you denying it? Why you catching? People only catch if what is being said is true.

Him: *switches phone off, destroy sim card, sells phone, buys ticket to India, start farming with cows*

She was probably a handful but hey, ya'll men out there with girlfriends and wives, nothing is more beautiful than having to understand your lady despite what she makes you go through. Women are fragile too so be a gentleman because if you get tired sooner than she can choose to hug you and whisper sweet "somethings" to you, it could all blow up.

John could not keep up. He can continue holding his L.

Holiday Reflections. Blue Short Pants is back!!!

THIS IS MY WELCOME BACK POST!!!!


My sincere apologies to all those who grew old waiting for Blue Short Pants to break the silence. I also grew a beard procrastinating on a new post. It has really been a while. In fact, I have been gone for a period longer than the gestation period of a mouse or the total lifespan of a fly, actually a fly would've gotten a partner, got married, got small flies, they also get their partners, bring forth other flies and so on, for 10 fly generations. That is a very long time.

Do I have a reason why I have been gone for so long? No I don't. I have reasons. many reasons. I could publish a 157 Page book just explaining why I have been gone but one reason will stand out, I have been on a long extended holiday. I have been exercising my skills as an uncle, big brother and new neighbor to two families who won't share their Wi-Fi password with me.

Why are people so grumpy these days? I just moved in. Maybe its because I haven't gone to introduce myself to the, well tough luck to me. now I have to buy 3 Gigabytes of data from MTC that only last a few days. I swear it finishes before Usain Bolt crosses the 100m line on his best day. I still stay with them though because they run selfie competitions and that is the only way I can get free selfies from girls at a finger tip.

*click, zoom, save to gallery, show my friend who once said I don't date fly girls, get caught that I don't even know the girl, delete photo, go back to MTC's twitter TL and get a new photo*

December was lit! We all know how the mood is always in the same margin as those of party freaks. I was on that bus for 9 hours, seated like a well behaved passenger. I didn't even complain about the Nomvula house song that was on replay for 9 freakin hours, nor did I complain about that Junior boy who kept holding on to my shoulder to find his balance, with his barbeque and custard smeared hands, after his mother let him carry a chicken piece that was bigger than Iggy Azalea's career. I sat peacefully, noticing every kilometer as I got closer to Wamboland.

And who doesn't like going back home? I was happy, as the mountains ceased and the number of donkeys stalled in the road started. When that happens, you know you are in Wamboland. I arrived home very early in the morning, well at first I thought it was almost sunrise but then I checked my time and it was still 04:00am, then I noticed that the glow that I saw wasn't the sun coming up, it was my Auntie's fake necklace. Oh it is so fake that the story of the tooth fairy is much more real compared to her supposedly 18 carat gold necklace that looks like an artifact from ancient Rome.

I was home for about three days. With my four year old niece asking questions at the pace of Busta Rhyme's rap, I was exhausted by the second day. The third was just to fulfill my Uncleship promises.
She asked so many questions that at some point, I had to look her straight into the eyes and see if she is by any chance a double of Kazembire Zemburuka.

translated into English

Her: Uncle do you want juice?
Me: Yes love
Her: Uncle do you want the orange or the yellow juice?
Me: The orange juice.
Her: But uncle the yellow one is better.
Me: Okay give me the yellow juice.
Her: Why don't you want the orange juice?
Me: You said the yellow one is better.
Her: *holding both bottles* Can we mix them?
Me: Yes we can.
Her: Which one do we put in first?
Me; The yellow one.
Her: And we put in the orange one after?
Me: Yes
Her: But uncle, the orange juice is not good we will get sick if we mix them.
Me: Okay lets not mix them.
Her: Why?
Me: Oh Monalisa you ask a lot of questions, lets just drink juice please.
Her: Do you want a cool drink?
Me: Yes.
Her: Coke or Fanta?
Me: OMG you kid! Give me coke.
Her: We don't have coke.
Me: *looking straight in her eyes* You only have 20 words left for the day, if you finish them up, you won't be able to talk anymore.
Her: Words don't get finished uncle. I can even sing for the whole day.
Me: Yes they do.
Her: You are stupid uncle.
Me: *walks out of the living room*

That is what you have to put up with when a four year old doesn't like toys. Spend more time with her, you answer questions all day long, you go away from her, you miss her cute little dimple-face.

So after three days I went to Outapi in northern Namibia. I love the place and the people.
I don't know man, really I love the place. people are so wonderful too, just one problem about it all. Their Pizza. Sigh.

So I went 'somewhere' to get myself a pizza. I ordered a Pizza called Outapi flavor. When the Pizza came, oh boy. have you ever had to use both your hands to pull that pizza as you try to take a bite from it? have you ever seen pizza crumbles like bread? No you didn't, because you never had that pizza. I was like, okay this is clearly not what I wanted, let me order myself a vegetarian pizza instead. Huge mistake. The pizza came and I am sure I ate a piece of beef chunk in that pizza. I don't have to explain how I felt.

I was glad to be back home, time flew by so fast and look where we are now, in 2016, the year of great success. A shout out to my new awesome friends! happy new year to ya'll.

Please note that I changed my twitter and IG handles, why?? I don't know, lol.. I just felt like a mysterious pie so follow me @pieMysterious

Cheers!!

My most memorable Birthday

My very first day on earth. My very first birthday. I don't remember a thing but with news that I was born premature, I can imagine that I was very very tiny, perhaps so tiny I could fit in a size 4 shoe. I was probably so light that the nurses had to wear nose masks so that they do not blow me away with their breath. I can just imagine the amount of coordination that mum had to employ to hold me, so delicate and fragile like a Rat's egg. She even told me that I was so tiny she could actually wash me in my own lunch box, I hope my lunch box wasn't the 200g Rama butter container.

I hope those nurses didn't whip my then almost nonexistent ass to make me cry. I can imagine the nurses placing me in my glass cubicle, in a room filled with other impatient kids who could not wait for nine months. There probably was a whole lot of other smaller kids but I must have been the smallest one. I don't know, I probably just laid there with my eyes closed and asking myself, "Dude what the heck? Couldn't you wait for another week if you can't take two more months?, well, welcome on Earth!!"

So that was it, my first day on Earth, having joined other humans, it was joy to my family, especially to my big sister. She finally had someone to bully. I just hate the fact that I had to grow up asking myself why she's a yellow bone and I am dark. We happened to be the real beauty and the beast of our family.

So enough with that, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! I just had to say that, well, let me share my most memorable Birthday to date. Have you ever imagined what other kids ask for birthdays? I would say its always either some good toys or if you are a Cake ogre like me, CAKE!! I would share anything except cake or cheese, things we never always had at home though. I was 9 years old, I was in my prime. I was at that stage where it is either a cake or a grumpy face for 24 hours.

Not only was I so excited about a double figure age but also to the great news Mum gave me weeks before it was even November. She told me that she’ll instruct her friend who lived in the nearby village to make me two birthday cakes. Two birthday cakes!!. TWO BIRTHDAY CAKES!!. TWO GODDAMN BIRTHDAY CAKES!!! I was super excited, so excited that my friends in class were wondering what was going on with me. I would smile and grin all day in class, rub my hands together in excitement and just nod my head to music that wasn't even there. I had a really huge mouth, I’d often just blast it all out but to date, that’s one thing they never learned about. As a matter of fact, most of them will only get to know about the cakes here.

I remember sitting in class and feeling like I was afloat a very beautiful valley of flowers and ponds with crystal water. II felt like a floating male fairy if there's something like that. I did not even concentrate in class weeks prior to my birthday. 

The wait was going really well but I eventually grew tired and later, really frustrated. I was angry that the lady, my mum's friend is just not bringing my cakes home. It is not like she was going to make them for free, it is not like it was her birthday, it is not like she was the one who invented yeast or sugar. I just wanted my cakes!!

I rushed home every single day expecting to see two huge colorful cakes ready to be engulfed by my sugar-hungry mouth. Instead, I just find bad news that the cakes are not there yet. The “yet” actually gave me hope because I knew it was just a matter of time and anyways, the cakes can take as long as they want. The longer they took, the hungrier I got and that was perfectly fine with me as long as they were not going to take forever. In the end, they were still going to come home to me and endure the toughest 47 minutes of their existence.

I already had the plan, I will eat the letters of my name first, then I will eat the "Zero" from the ten, then I will eat away all the bright colors, the "one", then I embark on a "top to bottom" eating journey until I can see the bottom of the platter. I ate those cakes a hundred times in my mind before I even got them.

Come think of it, Mum didn't have to tell me, after al she knew I loved cake so much I'd become a cake myself! I eventually grew tired, I could no longer wait. Two days before my birthday, I went to school and I knew, it was going to be a good day. Nothing was going to make it any worse than the previous ones. I went to school knowing that I will take a different route back home, if that lady is not going to bring the cakes, I will go fetch them myself, it was my birthday after all. Just for clarity, I asked mum in the morning,

Me: Mum, is Mee Maria bringing the cakes today or not?

Mum: No she is not, she will bring them soon, don’t worry.

Don't worry? DON'T WORRY? Really Mum? I was already worried about that lady not putting enough sugar in my cakes, I was worried about the cakes being pint-sized when my mouth and tummy are the size of the Sahara Desert, I was worried about you inviting other people to share my cakes, I was worried about the cakes being different, making it difficult to choose which one to have first, I was worried about all those things mum, the last thing I wanted to worry about was "Am I even getting the cakes or not?"

Anyways, Mum’s answer was just perfect for my plans. She had no idea and the lady baking my cakes, she wasn't ready either. She was never going to be ready for my genius plan! I was damn sure their communication was a little bit weak over the birthday cakes, none of them really laid down an exact deadline except that it should be before or on my birthday. They had a plan, maybe, all I had to do was to come up with a better plan.

So I sat in class for the longest six hours of my entire primary school life. I marveled to the idea of not only any other cakes but two beautiful cakes. Two has never been such a beautiful number than that day. Finally, after a fair enough long six hours of what seemed to be the longest wait ever, the time was up, the wait was over; it was time to unleash my planning powers.

It was the moment of truth. I gave my school bag to my cousin so he drops it home while I go “somewhere”.  On my way, I remember rehearsing my wording and facial expressions. The last thing I wanted was me giving off any suspicious acts or any signals that will tip the lady off that "Hol'up, this tiny guy right here is on an unapproved mission!"

This plan could not fail, it just could not NOT work. It had to, I needed it to be one those plans that are straight out of a Hollywood movie. "move in and move out"  

 So I reached the Cake Lady’s place and I told myself, "Stef, it is now or never".

Me: Uhm, *clearing throat*, Mum told me to... err, *cough*, She told me to pick up the cakes.

Her: She did? Oh, I just finished them a few hours ago. I thought I’d bring them myself.

Me: Err *gulp*, but since I am already here, I guess I can just take them.

Her: Okay great, I hope you won’t drop them.

I found it a bit funny, I mean Hello, *Rolling eyes* the only way I will ever drop a cake is if it has to drop in my mouth. She handed me the box with the two cakes. And it was surprisingly light. I expected bigger cakes, not that I was disappointed, I probably just thought cakes are really heavy. In the end, Cakes are just big blocks of heaven pieces coated in sugar and cream.

I set off home, a journey that seemed to go on forever. I carried the two cakes without stopping to even sniff or look at them. I almost reached home though. I think I made like half the journey. The plan was to reach home without stopping but, I think I was just weak again. I had this weird feeling like, there I was, carrying two big birthday cakes home. There was just something that was not so right, and then I knew, BAMM, its exactly the whole idea of taking the cakes home without looking at them or even better “just tasting” them. "What is the worst that could happen? It is not like I am going to kill anybody or something, I am just going to taste my birthday cakes.

So I stopped in this other tree just besides the path, not so far from home. I knelt beside the majestic cake box and took a deep breath, I opened the box and there they were. My two beautiful blue and white birthday cakes were starring right back at me. It was definitely love at first site. I suddenly developed a deep hunger for cake. Nature is funny sometimes.

I could almost hear the ancestors call on my name together with Santa, urging me to “taste” the cake. I closed my eyes and extended my index finger. I could almost feel my muscles expand as my finger gets closer and closer to the cake. And then the cake and my finger met. Holly molly!! I felt a rush of blood through my body, my heart skipped a beat and my arms were covered in Goosebumps. It was a revelation; cake and I were meant for each other. I brought my finger to my mouth and I immediately knew that picking up the cakes wasn't after all the worst mistake of my life, no. Tasting them was the worst! What did I just do to myself? How was I ever supposed to stop myself?

I gnawed away on the cake. I didn't realize what I was doing until both cakes had huge chunks missing from them. I was left with almost two thirds of each cake, when I decided to be a good boy and close the box. My face was covered with sugar and cream, my hands all sticky but my heart, so relieved. I needed that "Me" time. I needed that encounter with my two beautiful cakes. I got up and went home and that's when reality hit me, I needed to explain what happened to the cakes. Was I worried? Well, at 9 years and about 364 days, I thought I was a genius and my plan was going to work out just fine. This is how it played out:

Me: Hi Mum, Mee Maria gave me the cakes to bring them myself.

Mum: Oh hi, she came to you at school?

Me: Nope, I went to her house to get some water, I was thirsty, then she said I must take the cakes along.

Mum: So you were thirsty and you decided to go to her place for some water?

Me: Yes, she said hi to you. *holding my hands together behind my back, to pull off some honest posture*

Mum: Oh Okay. *she begun to open the box*

Me: I am going to see the goats. [I was already panicking, my excuses were becoming so lame and I knew I was about to be in real trouble]

Mum: Wait, why are the cakes eaten?

Me: Huh? What?

Mum: Don't what me, did you eat the cakes?

Me: Nope.

Mum: Should I go and ask mee Maria how the cakes looked like when she gave them to you?

Me: I told her to make them in that shape.

Mum: -__________-

She was MAD!! There I was, her little cute son with his face all sticky with sugar and cream. I was hoping she'll agree that I was too cute to scold but she didn't even have time to scold me, she just waited for the next day and dished out the remains of my cakes to my big sister and small sister. I felt so horrible but deep down I knew, all I had to do was to wait another day. Just one more day and all would have been gone well. I could not redeem myself, I could not un-eat the cake. At that moment when I looked at my sisters eating cake and all I had to do was breath, I felt like a part of me was being taken away from me. I felt like a huge cave that only cake can fill was developing within me.

I felt so bad!!

I literally felt so guilty, even started sweating!!

I just ended up crying!!!


Mum looked at me and I tried to strike a really "Cake deprived pose and look*, I think she got impressed because she eventually gave me a slice and they still sang happy birthday for me.

Mum, even though you made me go through the worst 30 minutes of my life when I had to watch you and my siblings eat cake without me, I just want to tell you that I love you because you told that lady to make me two cakes, you knew very well that one cake wouldn't last 10 minutes especially that my big sister loves cake too. And to the lady, who made my cakes, you may never get to read this but I just hope that your cake making skills are still super!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I WISH MYSELF MANY MORE HAPPY AND BLESSED BIRTHDAYS, MAY GOD BLESS ME AND HELP ME DISCOVER PLACES WITH CHEAP CAKES. Haha, Okay yes that was crazy. 

Follow me on Twitter, @StefanMutileni


Cheers. :)

Girlfriend number 1 and Girlfriend number 2.

I was 10 years old when I got my first girlfriend who didn't know we are dating until two years later! Yes, two years later! In those two years, I wrote her so many letters that if someone chose to publish them, I will have to call the World bank to fund the printing. And yes, none of those letters were submitted. None of them, not until I somehow got confident enough to slip one in her school bag and go home feeling like I just committed a serious felony. Did I miss school the next day? Of course I did.


I think my childhood was pretty normal for a boy who just want love but his confidence and his ambitions were in a serious tug of war. Let's be honest, I tried. I mean, I made sure that I didn't look suspicious, that was good enough. Girlfriend number 1 was a beautiful chubby short girl, she was a sprinter and she was the typical Oshakati breed, she discussed the famous Soapies of those days and she always had the latest type of colour pencils in class. She was the first one to come in class with that flexible pencil and her school bag was those ones with like 100 other smaller pockets with huge zips. She was the one.

And me? Well, I was the smart but very shy boy with the back to school stationeries and always had to borrow a sharpener from his best friend. She was mine though, I didn't care that she didn't know, as long as my close friends knew, I was happy with it. When the teacher divided the class in groups of Four and she and I end up in the same group, I blushed so much you could swear a bucket of purple paint fell on my cheeks. My huge smile was all lit like a hungry pelican.

Now you are all probably praying I tell you who the mysterious Beau was. Well, after 14 years, I can finally admit that yes I had a huge crush on Magano. Oh man I had to set aside my ego here. So that was girlfriend number 1 who didn't know that we were dating until I wrote her a letter in grade 6 and oh yes we dated from a distance. Someone should have told me that being co-class captains didn't necessarily mean that you two need to go out with each other. To make matters worse, Mum actually discovered one of the best letters I ever wrote, she found it in my shirt when she was doing laundry and oh boy did I have her and her sisters laughing at me for years. that letter never even got delivered. Poor Magano never got to see the rose I drew with her colour pencils that she borrowed me for the weekend.  Did we ever got to break up? Well, realistically yes, but it took a while for us to get divorced in my mind though.


So that was it about girlfriend number 1. Now there was girlfriend number 2. Frankly speaking, I never told this story before and it is for one reason, the whole shape after all the dots came together. LOL. So I had this friend, my sisters friend who told me that his sister likes me so much and he thought it'd be good that I wrote her a letter. So I did, me being a Champ when it comes to love letters, I took a page from my Social studies note book (because the social study teacher was never going to find out), and I wrote that letter on an A4 sheet. I was so straight to the point this time, no funny things like "I see your face in the stars" No. Uh uuh. I wrote in simple terms that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, klar. Fertig. Finitura. Terminar. Acabado. My friend, that was it! FINITO!!!

I didn't have to tell her a lot of stuff. I folded that letter neatly and gave it to my friend the next day to hand it over. There was one problem though. He told me that he was not going to deliver it  unless I promise to hand over a letter that he wrote to my big sister. I thought for a moment and made up my mind, I will deliver his letter. A love letter as I thought. I handed him my letter to take to his small sister. What did I have to fear? I mean I already heard how she was dying to be my "one and only". I had a very nervous day though, I mean I saw her at school and she didn't show any signs of being troubled or being uneasy with me at al so I made two conclusions. She either did not get the letter yet or she got it but she did not read it yet.

So after school, I waited for my friend at the spot we agreed on, it was not so far from school so after a few minutes of what felt like a hundred years, he turned up and told me that I should just bring my sister's reply the next day so he give me the letter that his sister wrote back to me. No probleeemoo. That night, I saw my sister burn down the love letter and told me to tell my friend (her classmate by the way) that she isn't interested. LOL. Next day I told him so and he, with sadness, handed me my letter. I read it and BINGO, she said YES!!!! I was over the heels. I didn't know how to handle the excitement though but oh boy I was so excited I actually felt so alive!


I then did what another 11 year old would do, I told all my boys. I told the squad. I let them in on the topic that I won the finest girl in the village. I am "Thee Man". And guess what my fellow 11 year olds and 10 year olds went to do after that without telling me, they went to ask her. And to their surprise and my shock, she knew NOTHING about a letter from me, she didn't write any letter to me, she was not planning to write any! I almost fainted because "Girlfriend" came and confronted me with her girls!! I was paraded all the way home with all sorts of girly shouts. I was hurt but oh yes credit to his ingenuity. LOL.

This is an experience that made me hate my sister's friend. This guy has proven that you don't need to have a good GPA score, you don't need to go to Harvard, you don't even have to invent anything to exercise your levels of intellect. All you need to do is make sure that you are the smartest among your lot. How? Hang with the people who are either less smarter than you are, or more dumb that you are. This guy was my friend. I was the dumb one and he really got the best of me. Well this is what happened with girlfriend number 2 who I dated for about a day when she didn't know that I was her cute little puppy.


Since then, I have learned to do things myself. XD



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