My most memorable Birthday

My very first day on earth. My very first birthday. I don't remember a thing but with news that I was born premature, I can imagine that I was very very tiny, perhaps so tiny I could fit in a size 4 shoe. I was probably so light that the nurses had to wear nose masks so that they do not blow me away with their breath. I can just imagine the amount of coordination that mum had to employ to hold me, so delicate and fragile like a Rat's egg. She even told me that I was so tiny she could actually wash me in my own lunch box, I hope my lunch box wasn't the 200g Rama butter container.

I hope those nurses didn't whip my then almost nonexistent ass to make me cry. I can imagine the nurses placing me in my glass cubicle, in a room filled with other impatient kids who could not wait for nine months. There probably was a whole lot of other smaller kids but I must have been the smallest one. I don't know, I probably just laid there with my eyes closed and asking myself, "Dude what the heck? Couldn't you wait for another week if you can't take two more months?, well, welcome on Earth!!"

So that was it, my first day on Earth, having joined other humans, it was joy to my family, especially to my big sister. She finally had someone to bully. I just hate the fact that I had to grow up asking myself why she's a yellow bone and I am dark. We happened to be the real beauty and the beast of our family.

So enough with that, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! I just had to say that, well, let me share my most memorable Birthday to date. Have you ever imagined what other kids ask for birthdays? I would say its always either some good toys or if you are a Cake ogre like me, CAKE!! I would share anything except cake or cheese, things we never always had at home though. I was 9 years old, I was in my prime. I was at that stage where it is either a cake or a grumpy face for 24 hours.

Not only was I so excited about a double figure age but also to the great news Mum gave me weeks before it was even November. She told me that she’ll instruct her friend who lived in the nearby village to make me two birthday cakes. Two birthday cakes!!. TWO BIRTHDAY CAKES!!. TWO GODDAMN BIRTHDAY CAKES!!! I was super excited, so excited that my friends in class were wondering what was going on with me. I would smile and grin all day in class, rub my hands together in excitement and just nod my head to music that wasn't even there. I had a really huge mouth, I’d often just blast it all out but to date, that’s one thing they never learned about. As a matter of fact, most of them will only get to know about the cakes here.

I remember sitting in class and feeling like I was afloat a very beautiful valley of flowers and ponds with crystal water. II felt like a floating male fairy if there's something like that. I did not even concentrate in class weeks prior to my birthday. 

The wait was going really well but I eventually grew tired and later, really frustrated. I was angry that the lady, my mum's friend is just not bringing my cakes home. It is not like she was going to make them for free, it is not like it was her birthday, it is not like she was the one who invented yeast or sugar. I just wanted my cakes!!

I rushed home every single day expecting to see two huge colorful cakes ready to be engulfed by my sugar-hungry mouth. Instead, I just find bad news that the cakes are not there yet. The “yet” actually gave me hope because I knew it was just a matter of time and anyways, the cakes can take as long as they want. The longer they took, the hungrier I got and that was perfectly fine with me as long as they were not going to take forever. In the end, they were still going to come home to me and endure the toughest 47 minutes of their existence.

I already had the plan, I will eat the letters of my name first, then I will eat the "Zero" from the ten, then I will eat away all the bright colors, the "one", then I embark on a "top to bottom" eating journey until I can see the bottom of the platter. I ate those cakes a hundred times in my mind before I even got them.

Come think of it, Mum didn't have to tell me, after al she knew I loved cake so much I'd become a cake myself! I eventually grew tired, I could no longer wait. Two days before my birthday, I went to school and I knew, it was going to be a good day. Nothing was going to make it any worse than the previous ones. I went to school knowing that I will take a different route back home, if that lady is not going to bring the cakes, I will go fetch them myself, it was my birthday after all. Just for clarity, I asked mum in the morning,

Me: Mum, is Mee Maria bringing the cakes today or not?

Mum: No she is not, she will bring them soon, don’t worry.

Don't worry? DON'T WORRY? Really Mum? I was already worried about that lady not putting enough sugar in my cakes, I was worried about the cakes being pint-sized when my mouth and tummy are the size of the Sahara Desert, I was worried about you inviting other people to share my cakes, I was worried about the cakes being different, making it difficult to choose which one to have first, I was worried about all those things mum, the last thing I wanted to worry about was "Am I even getting the cakes or not?"

Anyways, Mum’s answer was just perfect for my plans. She had no idea and the lady baking my cakes, she wasn't ready either. She was never going to be ready for my genius plan! I was damn sure their communication was a little bit weak over the birthday cakes, none of them really laid down an exact deadline except that it should be before or on my birthday. They had a plan, maybe, all I had to do was to come up with a better plan.

So I sat in class for the longest six hours of my entire primary school life. I marveled to the idea of not only any other cakes but two beautiful cakes. Two has never been such a beautiful number than that day. Finally, after a fair enough long six hours of what seemed to be the longest wait ever, the time was up, the wait was over; it was time to unleash my planning powers.

It was the moment of truth. I gave my school bag to my cousin so he drops it home while I go “somewhere”.  On my way, I remember rehearsing my wording and facial expressions. The last thing I wanted was me giving off any suspicious acts or any signals that will tip the lady off that "Hol'up, this tiny guy right here is on an unapproved mission!"

This plan could not fail, it just could not NOT work. It had to, I needed it to be one those plans that are straight out of a Hollywood movie. "move in and move out"  

 So I reached the Cake Lady’s place and I told myself, "Stef, it is now or never".

Me: Uhm, *clearing throat*, Mum told me to... err, *cough*, She told me to pick up the cakes.

Her: She did? Oh, I just finished them a few hours ago. I thought I’d bring them myself.

Me: Err *gulp*, but since I am already here, I guess I can just take them.

Her: Okay great, I hope you won’t drop them.

I found it a bit funny, I mean Hello, *Rolling eyes* the only way I will ever drop a cake is if it has to drop in my mouth. She handed me the box with the two cakes. And it was surprisingly light. I expected bigger cakes, not that I was disappointed, I probably just thought cakes are really heavy. In the end, Cakes are just big blocks of heaven pieces coated in sugar and cream.

I set off home, a journey that seemed to go on forever. I carried the two cakes without stopping to even sniff or look at them. I almost reached home though. I think I made like half the journey. The plan was to reach home without stopping but, I think I was just weak again. I had this weird feeling like, there I was, carrying two big birthday cakes home. There was just something that was not so right, and then I knew, BAMM, its exactly the whole idea of taking the cakes home without looking at them or even better “just tasting” them. "What is the worst that could happen? It is not like I am going to kill anybody or something, I am just going to taste my birthday cakes.

So I stopped in this other tree just besides the path, not so far from home. I knelt beside the majestic cake box and took a deep breath, I opened the box and there they were. My two beautiful blue and white birthday cakes were starring right back at me. It was definitely love at first site. I suddenly developed a deep hunger for cake. Nature is funny sometimes.

I could almost hear the ancestors call on my name together with Santa, urging me to “taste” the cake. I closed my eyes and extended my index finger. I could almost feel my muscles expand as my finger gets closer and closer to the cake. And then the cake and my finger met. Holly molly!! I felt a rush of blood through my body, my heart skipped a beat and my arms were covered in Goosebumps. It was a revelation; cake and I were meant for each other. I brought my finger to my mouth and I immediately knew that picking up the cakes wasn't after all the worst mistake of my life, no. Tasting them was the worst! What did I just do to myself? How was I ever supposed to stop myself?

I gnawed away on the cake. I didn't realize what I was doing until both cakes had huge chunks missing from them. I was left with almost two thirds of each cake, when I decided to be a good boy and close the box. My face was covered with sugar and cream, my hands all sticky but my heart, so relieved. I needed that "Me" time. I needed that encounter with my two beautiful cakes. I got up and went home and that's when reality hit me, I needed to explain what happened to the cakes. Was I worried? Well, at 9 years and about 364 days, I thought I was a genius and my plan was going to work out just fine. This is how it played out:

Me: Hi Mum, Mee Maria gave me the cakes to bring them myself.

Mum: Oh hi, she came to you at school?

Me: Nope, I went to her house to get some water, I was thirsty, then she said I must take the cakes along.

Mum: So you were thirsty and you decided to go to her place for some water?

Me: Yes, she said hi to you. *holding my hands together behind my back, to pull off some honest posture*

Mum: Oh Okay. *she begun to open the box*

Me: I am going to see the goats. [I was already panicking, my excuses were becoming so lame and I knew I was about to be in real trouble]

Mum: Wait, why are the cakes eaten?

Me: Huh? What?

Mum: Don't what me, did you eat the cakes?

Me: Nope.

Mum: Should I go and ask mee Maria how the cakes looked like when she gave them to you?

Me: I told her to make them in that shape.

Mum: -__________-

She was MAD!! There I was, her little cute son with his face all sticky with sugar and cream. I was hoping she'll agree that I was too cute to scold but she didn't even have time to scold me, she just waited for the next day and dished out the remains of my cakes to my big sister and small sister. I felt so horrible but deep down I knew, all I had to do was to wait another day. Just one more day and all would have been gone well. I could not redeem myself, I could not un-eat the cake. At that moment when I looked at my sisters eating cake and all I had to do was breath, I felt like a part of me was being taken away from me. I felt like a huge cave that only cake can fill was developing within me.

I felt so bad!!

I literally felt so guilty, even started sweating!!

I just ended up crying!!!


Mum looked at me and I tried to strike a really "Cake deprived pose and look*, I think she got impressed because she eventually gave me a slice and they still sang happy birthday for me.

Mum, even though you made me go through the worst 30 minutes of my life when I had to watch you and my siblings eat cake without me, I just want to tell you that I love you because you told that lady to make me two cakes, you knew very well that one cake wouldn't last 10 minutes especially that my big sister loves cake too. And to the lady, who made my cakes, you may never get to read this but I just hope that your cake making skills are still super!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I WISH MYSELF MANY MORE HAPPY AND BLESSED BIRTHDAYS, MAY GOD BLESS ME AND HELP ME DISCOVER PLACES WITH CHEAP CAKES. Haha, Okay yes that was crazy. 

Follow me on Twitter, @StefanMutileni


Cheers. :)