Who isn’t scared that their
darkest secrets will bubble out for the whole world to feed on? Well, certainly
not me, I am scared as an injured gazelle in the Serengeti! My biggest fear is
that someone will betray me, someone will share my most personal secrets with
some stranger out there and while you are out there thinking no one knows about
you, the whole world has your life zoomed in on high definition.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not
scared of people knowing WHO I am, nah… I am scared of people knowing what I don’t
want to share with them, that’s invasion of personal space, think about it. BUT,
we can’t blame them; people only know what we choose to tell them, right? People
only know what we allow them to know. So ultimately we are our own enemies if
we go around sharing even the colors of our underpants with strangers, or how
we managed to sneak French fries into the fitness class and munch on them while
everybody else does planks and crunches, yeah that’s messed up. So here is my
list of 5 people you DO NOT at all want to share your secrets with.
5. A friend who works in a salon
Seriously, what’s wrong with
these ladies? Okay I’m guessing you want to know HOW I know this. Well, my
barber happens to be in the same office space with a bunch of salon ladies, so
when I go get my fade so I look like I’m about to feature in Bad Boys IV, I hear
what these ladies talk about. Damn, they know EVERYTHING!!! From who is bonking
who in the neighborhood, to which previous customer didn’t buy her own Brazilian
hair. These ladies discuss uncensored x rated matters fam. Salons should have a
sign that says, “persons under the age of 18 are not allowed here dammit”, or
better have earmuffs to be used in there. Salon ladies even know Victoria’s
secret! So don’t you dare share anything with them at all.
4. Any aunt with a gold tooth.
I bet my aunt is reading this and
thinking I’m throwing shade on her again, relax woman. So guys, I do not
understand why these folks with a certain awkward gold tooth stuck up between
crooked teeth always find it relevant to like just be the community paparazzi.
I swear if you hear some juicy gossip going on around you, say in an elevator
or in a bus or taxi on your way home, just look at the captain of this gossip,
you will see some shiny gold tooth crying to be freed. Sometimes it is not even
gold, it is just copper but the gossip will polish that thing as it leaves the
mouth and makes it look like 18 carats gold in its finest form.
3. Anyone who starts talking like, “Please don’t tell anyone, I also
just heard’
SHUT UP!!! JUST SHUT UP!!! Why
are human beings so complicated?? So you are going to go ahead and tell me something
you are not sure of, I guess that’s why you are not open to me sharing it with
anybody else. In the first place, you just HEARD, and now you want to tell me
and I should not tell anyone, why? Cause I’m like the gossip dumpsite or what? Respect
my ears please don’t feed me crap that you are not ready to back up please. These
people are so creepy because they will go ahead and share your secrets and tell
people, “I will tell you but don’t tell anyone else”, then those people are
also going to do the same thing over and over, it’s like a cycle of scared columnists
trying to deliver the breaking news but no one wants to be held accountable. Stupid.
Hahaha. Do not go and tell people like that cause you are exactly who shouldn’t
be told secrets, man.
2. Someone with a Facebook name ending with –licious
Think about these people for a
moment. Oo beautilicious noo Rare pinky-love Cuddlelicios, those people are what’s
wrong with the internet! Their pages are full of the juiciest and most recent
gossip ever! I even wonder why we do not have a gossip column show on our
national tv yet. I left so many whatsapp groups in recent days and it is always
somehow because there is some –licious person who is just out there preaching
to us about things we do not need or want to hear. I remember when my friend
changed her name to Candylicios and I almost called her parents to inform them
that their daughter needs immediate emancipation from an alien disease that
makes people stick their noses everywhere and spit our unverified information
about other people.
1 1. My uncle. (He’s got a tooth gap)
Oh my word this guy will let your secrets known to whoever
he meets!! Okay let’s get one thing straight, I feel like we need to understand
him though, I mean this man has a tooth gap the size of space between Australia
and New Zealand! WOW!! Every time he even says something bad about me, I’m just
like, “Stef, you need to understand that maybe these words just escaped from
his mouth using that gate between his front two teeth.
I can’t even get over the day he looked at me and said, “Hey!!
Thtefanuth!! Come thay hi to your uncle!!!”, then I walked up to him with so
much fear that looking straight into his tooth gap will victimize my rather
fragile soul. It looks like a black hole fam. That tooth gap probably pays its
own cab when my uncle goes from town back home. I swear when he was in school,
his tooth gap had its own table and chair in class also. Like guy has a whole
cave in his mouth.
So next time you meet my uncle and feel like you should
share your secret with him, think twice because the words won’t have curfew in
his mouth.
I’m off to go get me some lunch. Share this with your
friends to make sure they share their secrets with the right people.
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