Being a serious adult is depressing

I am the guy society expect to soon become a serious adult. I am sorry; I can’t do all that at once. I need choices. Currently, the only time I get serious and really feel like an adult is when I go out which is weird, really weird because my friends think going out is fun but, I think going out really is a serious thing and you all need to take your going outs serious too. Everyone who takes going out as a fun thing is probably one of the teens who silently and unknowingly threaten to wipe out the entire teenhood on the face of the earth and replace it with serious young adults. When I go out, I want to feel like I am Denzel Washington and I am on a mission.

I was just listening to James Blunt’s song 1973 and I’m thinking, oh cool; he was really romantic, he could plan his routines well with probably a really gorgeous lady. He was seriously being a serious adult. I bet he had a Seriometer in his room that he measure himself with every morning just to see if he is serious enough to go out there and show the world what he is made of. Could I one day be a serious adult too? Or for once just be serious? No, I tried, I really did and it failed badly and I almost died in the process. Emotional death. Like Miley Cyrus.

One thing I take serious in life is minding my own business and choosing to not get serious when society thinks I need to. You see, I'll explain the evidence as to why it is highly important. I was seated in a Pakistani restaurant in Walvis Bay sipping on a coke while waiting for a Chicken Biryani. 

My whole day is going well so far and I really feel like I am finally the kind of adult I want to be. An adult who treats himself to good food, he checks his phone only once an hour and he nods and smiles to those he cross ways with. I mean, basic adult responsibilities that don't require effort. Not things like paying bills or going for parent meetings, no, thats being a serious adult and it is scary and lethal. You can die in those meetings or catch a cold standing in long bill queues. 

Even the online paying systems can't be trusted these days, you'll be opening up your emails to chat with your old time friends and here is spam emails, all sorts of shitty companies who just want our money apparently to cover our retirement plans and shit like that. That is exactly why Santa doesn't want to become real, because this world is full of other clowns already… okay, there I was with my arms folded waiting for my Biryani and... Bam, Three "kids" walk in, young boys perhaps 16 year olds. I looked down to see if they stole my phone yet. and no, there it was. My super awesome Sony M2. Thanks to Houlashi.

I looked up to again but, all I could see now was three "human beings" choosing hubly flavors and before I knew it, there they were, all up in smoke like its some tiny volcanic eruptions. Inhaling and exhaling like its a respiratory systems exam. I dropped my glass of coke and like a real adult, a serious one for that matter, I took a deep breath and wore my "I am a serious adult" face. I thought to myself, you need to tell them that smoking can destroy their lungs and cause severe teeth disorders and it will make them smell like they haven’t bathed in 87 years.

But no, I was not going to get that serious, instead, I closed my eyes and silently in my heart, I told myself like;

“Stef, minding your own business is a pretty serious thing and you need to constantly make sure you are doing just that. What if these three are just 37 year old dwarfs who are catching up on a good day after a very long time apart? What are you? Some sort of medical doctor? Are you saying people with height and growth disorders are not supposed to have the same rights like you now or what? Stop being such a nosy piece of garbage. You studied engineering not medical science and even if you did and you were Jason Statham in a superhero movie, you don’t have to play this role either. Now sip your coke and wait for your food”

I almost, almost just judged them. I almost stood up to them, then I realised how close I came to becoming a young serious adult. I realised how close I came to destroying my Teenhood. Old teenhood actually. I just don't want to be reffered to as an adult. 

After that, I started question myself a lot. Did I perhaps need to be a young serious adult and tell these fellows to drop the nozzle? After all, they paid for that thing. So...

I think it really usy hit me so hard how trying to be an adult can cause you a lot of worries.

At some point, I thought I was going to cry.

And I think I was just so horrible at being an adult. A seriously horrible fail.

I don't know from where but a wave of new hope hit me. Like a little tickle in my side, I suddenly realised that hey bro, you can do this, you can do away with this whole thing of trying so hard to be a serious adult. 

Almost like slow motion, I picked up my glass and gulped my coke up. I reached for my all time best asset, my #FeelGoodShades. I sat them on my fugly face and furnished out the most cunning smile like someone just announced my name in the top twn most handsome guys ever, I actually think top ten is too exxagerated, I am probably like in the top 5, realisticaly. If Only 5 people go in the contest. Including me.

 So to hell with being a serious adult suckas, Society can't expect me to solve problems it caused to the unaware fellows, I don't want heart attacks, Plus those three little guys really looked like dwarfs minutes after they got high. I have never seen kids sit around potential death threats like that.

Top 10 Facebook updates / posts that piss me off

I joined Facebook in 2010 after a long time of thinking and believing that those who use Facebook are simply boring people who don’t know any better thing to do than say a shitload of crap on or mysteriously become Philosophers. I have since witnessed evolution of humankind on Facebook. None of that actually really pissed me off until lately when a new wave of weird and often really annoying trends swept through this lovely Facebook generation. From meaningless slang to girls uploading duck faces.

1.     Woman crush Wednesday / Man crush Monday

I am not really a fan of modern flirting or this whole internet slang thing and I am especially really pissed off because English seem to be under a global douchebag slang disease. The biggest lately being this WCW and MCM thing. I thought it was cool, especially after someone texted me like; “you could be my MCM you know”, I was like, “Girl you make me weak”, you see, I’m like still in the vintage form of flirting which many find so boring but at least I don’t end up with a modern relationshit.

Few days later, I searched on the net, “what does MCM stand for?” 98% of the answers were from Tumbler, Internetslang.com and Urban dictionary and it is Man crush Monday. Give me a break, I have no problem with this really, it is just that maybe it must at least have a concrete meaning. I don’t even want to be referred to as a crush or crusher or something like that. Man what happened to names like Pumpkin, sweetheart and Prince Charming??

“Dear xyz, I take back my *thank you* from the MCM conversation we had last week, regards, Blue Short Pants”

2.     Windhoek here I come (or any other town)

What are you? Thor?? Oh wow we are excited; we are lined up along the main road to welcome you. Thank you so much for telling us that for the next 7 hours, your bum will be squashed on the bus. Okay nothing wrong with that but seriously; do you really have to let the whole world know that you are on your way to Windhoek? Ok then what? Why don’t you go to your music app, make a seven hour playlist and plug in your earphones? Next time you want to tell us you are on your way, stop making it look like you are JFK or some revolutionary superhero.

3.     Thanks for accepting my friend request

This is often more awkward than annoying. I mean alright cool, I know you are really this humble and Santastic individual but this kind of politeness is really annoying. What was I supposed to do? Say you welcome? Okay I will say welcome and paste a truckload of mind soothing emotions on your kindness, make it look like thanksgiving. No, I’ll pass.

4.     Welcome to my world

Oh wow, really? Welcome to my world? Alright, I was lost, I was on a different galaxy in some weird life and I needed a new world to live in, happens, it was my lucky day and you decided to give me a new one. What is the name? Shiarth?

What is more annoying about this is that this person will add you, then you accept and then they are all Hurrah on your wall like “Welcome to my world”. I get to feel like I am a complete lost soul that someone kind enough decided to give me a piece of their world on a social network. Man, welcome to Zuckerberg’s confused and hysterically hilarious social network.

5.     OMG Nice weather

Dear Facebook Weatherman,

Thank you. Thank you so much Weatherman. We are stuck in a cave and have no idea what is going on out there, we really need your inflow of weather updates. It must be raining candies or storming Punch out there, after all, the weather has got your jaws dropping like OMG. We look forward to more updates, tell us also when it is a baby making weather, it is really important.

Regards,

Family stuck in a cave

6.     Who is up? I am bored. (at 02h17)

Seriously? Like really, who is up? I have no problem with you lying down in the dark blinking and starring at your phone waiting for a text that says, “Ow hey am up, let us talk about Bats and the night sky or some BBA hotshots. I only have a problem with the logic behind this. If someone is up, they will answer yes if they are as bored as you are. If they are not, especially in my case at that time of the hour, I can’t reply, not even if I had the most severe sleeping disorder will I sleep-text and get it right.

Why don’t you start adding security guards and maybe guys from NASA? They’ll sure chat at that hour. And by the way this is how your text should read instead; “hey aliens and my insomnia team, I am still up, I am boring, somebody pass me a sleep shot please, LOL ROTFL, J :p Bleh Okay Peace out (y)”

7.     Replies on Girls photos

With this, I am often already under acute shock and pissed-off-state that I can only wish I did mind my business in the first place. The most shocking comments are often from the other girls, I mean I really like the “humour” and sisterhood but… Come on, just cause you and your buddy went through a lot together does not mean you need to deliver an OMG so cute text below the pic.

I have seen some comments that have you thinking it is Nicole Scherzinger but when the photo finally loads, I am just thinking oh boy, who painted this face? Did the kids play with the crayons again??? Girls with the tendency of complimenting each other’s beauty despite each other’s beauty really piss me off.

Then we have this Niggas commenting like “looking fine baby”, “Splendid”, “Give me your number”, “Gorgs”, “I love you” Okay am out, peace out niggas, this is total madness.

8.     HBD

It is my birthday; it marks a certain numbers of years for me, a milestone. It also means am coming closer to being old, slow, almost blind and deaf, I will eventually die. My life is both exciting and scary. Exactly the reason why I do not want boring, lazy and talk-shy humans who just post HBD on my timeline after a notification popped up like “hey, its Stef’s birthday”, why didn’t you just ignore?

Now I have to come to terms with an abbreviation on my timeline, this is not a graffiti wall, it is my timeline, it is my almost public diary and obituary too. If you don’t Have time or the words to wish me a decent happy birthday, keep scrolling, maybe find some Facebook adds to follow or this shitty candy crush… no, candy crush is cool… In a nutshell, just don’t post that shitty abbreviation on my timeline. I really hope Facebook will come up with a notification that pops up after you post some shitty stuff like “Your post has been identified as being inhumane and a threat to world’s peace, this is your last warning”

9.     Rest in Peace #Tears

Oh, I am touched; I am deeply touched you are crying so much you just had to hashtag it. I bet your phone is all soaked up. If I die, please show me some respect it and don’t exaggerate it this much. What is wrong with you people? I don’t even know who discovered this hashtag thing, it has been so misused. I hashtag useless stuff like #Hashtag or #Lol which apparently does not make sense but #tears?? Nxo, smh

10.  I thought of selfies but no ways, I love selfies and everyone who takes selfies… I love them so much I’d so much wish to take a selfie just before I die, I would call it, the farewell selfie. I really will take so many selfies in my bed every time I don’t feel well. I would like you guys to investigate the last selfie I take before I die so that one day it goes into a museum like “The last selfie”, just under my obituary.

Something like this. In your face suckas. Selfies are cool.

So that said, the last thing on Facebook that piss me off is:

People who hate selfies. 

You guys really creep me out I’d pass by your houses in a tank in case you want to attack me. I am not going to waste my energy and talk about you, instead, I am going to leave it here.

My little sister is a blessing. And a Pure nightmare too – Part 1

If I was to list the blessings and nightmares of my childhood memories, my small sister Luise would probably appear on both. Mum getting a small little girl came with mixed feelings and emotions. From hair-rising chills passed Goosebumps to a thumping heart and a rush of adrenaline. I mean, it was like the clash of emotions.

Everyone else really took the baby thing just fine. No one seem to have a single problem with Baby Luise.

I remember sitting with my hands on my cheeks like “Oh wow, I will have a tiny human being to accuse when the sugar goes missing or the china develops some mysterious cracks or when my the TV switch itself on when am alone in the living room. On the other hand, I had a really bad feeling about this whole new baby thing. I mean it was clear my noise had to reduce, my limits in the house got tighter and I probably was going to share my attention if I don’t lose it. You know when the other uncle or aunt comes to visit and before they even ask how you’ve been doing after the “rumoured fever”, they ask you if the baby is sleeping.

I had a photo of me taken just for evidence sake that i warned them already:

It can clearly be seen that she attacked me when I almost busted her on being a little vicious wolverine. 

I remember peeping in the bowls after my birthday party and seeing the last piece of cake in the little pink lunch box. Now, mine was blue so clearly I lost out on getting the last piece of cake too. I knew some things for sure will end, I mean things like having to be carried to bed while pretending to be fast asleep. I felt like I turned 35 in one week. I almost thought I had a little beard that only Mum and this little kid could see, or perhaps a really thick German Vintage moustache ready to spring out of my soft skin and invade my cute four year old face.

I almost considered telling mum to return the baby to the hospital. At least that was the truth of then. I would wake up at 06:00 to see if the baby has been taken back so I get my “life” back but there she was, sleeping warmly in her little pink blanket, with her toes and fists clenched and her eyes fast tight. She was almost like a little angel but I knew deep in my heart that easy days are gone.

But I for some reason really perceived this whole baby thing in a more realistic and risk assesed scenario. I mean I was thinking long term, more like family safety planning.

It was not long before reality hit me hard. I consider it the best thing to ever happen to me, one that I can attribute to who I have become today, If it wasn’t for Luise “ruining” my childhood and putting a really deep hole in Mum’s already starved budget, I’d probably have become a lawyer if I made it in school anyways. It was one of those “just normal” days. I saw my sister crawl off her Mat and I was like, “Oh crap, she’s a dragon”, Lol, Okay I will stop picking on her.

So peeps, this is how my sister Luise made up for her “nerve wrecking” cameo in the family and especially, my life as her cute big brother.

To be continued for Part two...