Open letter to the Hard Pizza Maker :(

Pizza should be in any state. It can have so much salt, less cheese, stones, sand, whatever. It can be as bad as any disgruntled Chef can choose to make it. It will probably have a name that suits that state anyways.

There is only one state that makes pizza so bad, when pizza comes as hard as a stone. My goodness, what did I just have for lunch? That pizza from a famous pizza place in Windhoek was as hard as a plate tectonic. I swear I thought I was eating a little island. Like a piece of Seychelles or Mauritius.

You ever had to chew something so hard that you had to close your eyes and pray that your westerns do not implode? my human rights were painfully violated. I literally got a pizza that enslaved me for 38 minutes. Why didn't I return it? I don't know, I mean... I really don't know.

The amount of force my jaws had to exert on that pizza can most probably not even be calculated using any of Einstein's formulas. I am as tired as ever. N$79.55 wasted on a pizza that was harder than the rock that was inscribed with the 10 Commandments. I am inclined to think that they mined that pizza. I was hungry. Little did I know that ordering a pizza will in the end make me angry.

Here is an open letter to the place that made this pizza that was delivered to me.

Dear Hard Pizza Makers

I hope that this open letter catches you off guard while you try and deliver more hard pizzas to innocent people. Let me let you in on a secret, the pizza you made that poor guy deliver to me, on an outdated scooter for that matter, it was as hard as marble.

It took me 38 minutes to finish the first slice. 38 Minutes, do you know how long 38 minutes is? You don't, because you stay in that place and eat your puff chips and fruits while you send us pizza that could be used to renovate the old Parliament. Maybe if you made enough hard pizzas, it could be used to build us a new parliament so we don't have to waste 700million. Ya'll should decide whether you even want to make pizza or bricks.

I had to bite that pizza with as much force as you would need if you wanted to dethrone Robert Mugabe. just so you know, medical aid doesn't cover injuries to jaws caused by hard pizzas. I wasted my 79.55 Namibian dollars that I could have used to buy something more useful like airtime to call you and really scold you for that stone pizza that you made. You owe me consultation fees with my dentist you unreasonable brick layers.

I thought of laying charges against ya'll. Jaw breaking attempt. Shame on you. I am so done with ya'll. Every time from now onwards, when you send out a hard pizza to a loyal (and a little broke) customer like me, just know that you could be responsible for jaw surgery. If you read this letter up to now you hard pizza making little piece of cat poo, you should go sit in a corner and think of what you just did.

Without even the tiniest kind regards,

Mad loyal (and a little broke) customer.

Do not reply to this letter because I will be in a doctor's room getting my jaws fixed and from here I will see a Psychologist because I am traumatized from how hard that pizza was.

You've got to learn how to keep up with Women.

Nothing is more awkward than sending a text that reads, "I am at this other erotic place", when it should have read "exotic place". Worse is when you send it to your crush and now she thinks you are definitely a night wanker. Disappointments. I do not like smart phones at all. You know what else is smart but will give you chest pains? Women. Yes that was not a typing error.

Women are very smart and that is the problem that we men will always face. They think ahead, they read between the lines and they know what you are going to say before you even say it.

Women don't ask to get answers, they ask so they confirm what they already know, women don't look for you, they come fetch you from where you are

You disagree with what I just said? It is okay! Isokaaaay!!! I can't believe you people believe in things like Santa Claus and the 4 leaf clover but you may not believe reality. This is reality!

A typical conversation on the phone with a woman will go like, now let us assume these two just recently met.

Him: Hey, did you get your hair done then? You told me about it yesterday.

Her: Oh yeah, I did.

Him: Send me a pic, let me see.

Her: My eyebrows are not done yet I look horrible.

Him: Oh no it is not always about your looks, it is about your heart... I mean...

Her: Huh? Wait, you want to see my titties already??

Him: No I said your heart not your...

Her: I thought you were different.

Him: No you don't understand I did not mean your titties. I meant your heart.

Her: So you are saying you don't want to see my boobies then?

Him: Uhm...

Her: Okay fine, go see the boobies you are used to.

him: No come on let me explain, I meant... *beep, beep, beep*

That phone was cut and he probably will not even believe what just happened, because he could not keep up. Women will have you on your toe tips.

A good guy will probably text her. I mean, we are that gentlemanly. We like to show affection. We like to be kind because that's life. Who wants to be rude to a woman? You must be out of your mind, in fact you must be walking around with an empty skull. Even a dead mind would know better. So let us say he brings out his soft side and text her.

Him: :) I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you.

Her: Talk to you later, I can't use my phone.

Him: Why? Where are you?

Her: At the hospital.

Him: For what?

Her: For these chest pains that you caused me.

Him: Oh no C'mon now don't do this.

Her: I will block you if you keep insisting.

*4 minute silence*

Her: John?

Her: John?? Are you ignoring me?

Her: John please talk to me.

Her: :( You are a fuckboy.

Him: No I am not. :(

Her: Why are you denying it? Why you catching? People only catch if what is being said is true.

Him: *switches phone off, destroy sim card, sells phone, buys ticket to India, start farming with cows*

She was probably a handful but hey, ya'll men out there with girlfriends and wives, nothing is more beautiful than having to understand your lady despite what she makes you go through. Women are fragile too so be a gentleman because if you get tired sooner than she can choose to hug you and whisper sweet "somethings" to you, it could all blow up.

John could not keep up. He can continue holding his L.

Holiday Reflections. Blue Short Pants is back!!!

THIS IS MY WELCOME BACK POST!!!!


My sincere apologies to all those who grew old waiting for Blue Short Pants to break the silence. I also grew a beard procrastinating on a new post. It has really been a while. In fact, I have been gone for a period longer than the gestation period of a mouse or the total lifespan of a fly, actually a fly would've gotten a partner, got married, got small flies, they also get their partners, bring forth other flies and so on, for 10 fly generations. That is a very long time.

Do I have a reason why I have been gone for so long? No I don't. I have reasons. many reasons. I could publish a 157 Page book just explaining why I have been gone but one reason will stand out, I have been on a long extended holiday. I have been exercising my skills as an uncle, big brother and new neighbor to two families who won't share their Wi-Fi password with me.

Why are people so grumpy these days? I just moved in. Maybe its because I haven't gone to introduce myself to the, well tough luck to me. now I have to buy 3 Gigabytes of data from MTC that only last a few days. I swear it finishes before Usain Bolt crosses the 100m line on his best day. I still stay with them though because they run selfie competitions and that is the only way I can get free selfies from girls at a finger tip.

*click, zoom, save to gallery, show my friend who once said I don't date fly girls, get caught that I don't even know the girl, delete photo, go back to MTC's twitter TL and get a new photo*

December was lit! We all know how the mood is always in the same margin as those of party freaks. I was on that bus for 9 hours, seated like a well behaved passenger. I didn't even complain about the Nomvula house song that was on replay for 9 freakin hours, nor did I complain about that Junior boy who kept holding on to my shoulder to find his balance, with his barbeque and custard smeared hands, after his mother let him carry a chicken piece that was bigger than Iggy Azalea's career. I sat peacefully, noticing every kilometer as I got closer to Wamboland.

And who doesn't like going back home? I was happy, as the mountains ceased and the number of donkeys stalled in the road started. When that happens, you know you are in Wamboland. I arrived home very early in the morning, well at first I thought it was almost sunrise but then I checked my time and it was still 04:00am, then I noticed that the glow that I saw wasn't the sun coming up, it was my Auntie's fake necklace. Oh it is so fake that the story of the tooth fairy is much more real compared to her supposedly 18 carat gold necklace that looks like an artifact from ancient Rome.

I was home for about three days. With my four year old niece asking questions at the pace of Busta Rhyme's rap, I was exhausted by the second day. The third was just to fulfill my Uncleship promises.
She asked so many questions that at some point, I had to look her straight into the eyes and see if she is by any chance a double of Kazembire Zemburuka.

translated into English

Her: Uncle do you want juice?
Me: Yes love
Her: Uncle do you want the orange or the yellow juice?
Me: The orange juice.
Her: But uncle the yellow one is better.
Me: Okay give me the yellow juice.
Her: Why don't you want the orange juice?
Me: You said the yellow one is better.
Her: *holding both bottles* Can we mix them?
Me: Yes we can.
Her: Which one do we put in first?
Me; The yellow one.
Her: And we put in the orange one after?
Me: Yes
Her: But uncle, the orange juice is not good we will get sick if we mix them.
Me: Okay lets not mix them.
Her: Why?
Me: Oh Monalisa you ask a lot of questions, lets just drink juice please.
Her: Do you want a cool drink?
Me: Yes.
Her: Coke or Fanta?
Me: OMG you kid! Give me coke.
Her: We don't have coke.
Me: *looking straight in her eyes* You only have 20 words left for the day, if you finish them up, you won't be able to talk anymore.
Her: Words don't get finished uncle. I can even sing for the whole day.
Me: Yes they do.
Her: You are stupid uncle.
Me: *walks out of the living room*

That is what you have to put up with when a four year old doesn't like toys. Spend more time with her, you answer questions all day long, you go away from her, you miss her cute little dimple-face.

So after three days I went to Outapi in northern Namibia. I love the place and the people.
I don't know man, really I love the place. people are so wonderful too, just one problem about it all. Their Pizza. Sigh.

So I went 'somewhere' to get myself a pizza. I ordered a Pizza called Outapi flavor. When the Pizza came, oh boy. have you ever had to use both your hands to pull that pizza as you try to take a bite from it? have you ever seen pizza crumbles like bread? No you didn't, because you never had that pizza. I was like, okay this is clearly not what I wanted, let me order myself a vegetarian pizza instead. Huge mistake. The pizza came and I am sure I ate a piece of beef chunk in that pizza. I don't have to explain how I felt.

I was glad to be back home, time flew by so fast and look where we are now, in 2016, the year of great success. A shout out to my new awesome friends! happy new year to ya'll.

Please note that I changed my twitter and IG handles, why?? I don't know, lol.. I just felt like a mysterious pie so follow me @pieMysterious

Cheers!!

My most memorable Birthday

My very first day on earth. My very first birthday. I don't remember a thing but with news that I was born premature, I can imagine that I was very very tiny, perhaps so tiny I could fit in a size 4 shoe. I was probably so light that the nurses had to wear nose masks so that they do not blow me away with their breath. I can just imagine the amount of coordination that mum had to employ to hold me, so delicate and fragile like a Rat's egg. She even told me that I was so tiny she could actually wash me in my own lunch box, I hope my lunch box wasn't the 200g Rama butter container.

I hope those nurses didn't whip my then almost nonexistent ass to make me cry. I can imagine the nurses placing me in my glass cubicle, in a room filled with other impatient kids who could not wait for nine months. There probably was a whole lot of other smaller kids but I must have been the smallest one. I don't know, I probably just laid there with my eyes closed and asking myself, "Dude what the heck? Couldn't you wait for another week if you can't take two more months?, well, welcome on Earth!!"

So that was it, my first day on Earth, having joined other humans, it was joy to my family, especially to my big sister. She finally had someone to bully. I just hate the fact that I had to grow up asking myself why she's a yellow bone and I am dark. We happened to be the real beauty and the beast of our family.

So enough with that, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! I just had to say that, well, let me share my most memorable Birthday to date. Have you ever imagined what other kids ask for birthdays? I would say its always either some good toys or if you are a Cake ogre like me, CAKE!! I would share anything except cake or cheese, things we never always had at home though. I was 9 years old, I was in my prime. I was at that stage where it is either a cake or a grumpy face for 24 hours.

Not only was I so excited about a double figure age but also to the great news Mum gave me weeks before it was even November. She told me that she’ll instruct her friend who lived in the nearby village to make me two birthday cakes. Two birthday cakes!!. TWO BIRTHDAY CAKES!!. TWO GODDAMN BIRTHDAY CAKES!!! I was super excited, so excited that my friends in class were wondering what was going on with me. I would smile and grin all day in class, rub my hands together in excitement and just nod my head to music that wasn't even there. I had a really huge mouth, I’d often just blast it all out but to date, that’s one thing they never learned about. As a matter of fact, most of them will only get to know about the cakes here.

I remember sitting in class and feeling like I was afloat a very beautiful valley of flowers and ponds with crystal water. II felt like a floating male fairy if there's something like that. I did not even concentrate in class weeks prior to my birthday. 

The wait was going really well but I eventually grew tired and later, really frustrated. I was angry that the lady, my mum's friend is just not bringing my cakes home. It is not like she was going to make them for free, it is not like it was her birthday, it is not like she was the one who invented yeast or sugar. I just wanted my cakes!!

I rushed home every single day expecting to see two huge colorful cakes ready to be engulfed by my sugar-hungry mouth. Instead, I just find bad news that the cakes are not there yet. The “yet” actually gave me hope because I knew it was just a matter of time and anyways, the cakes can take as long as they want. The longer they took, the hungrier I got and that was perfectly fine with me as long as they were not going to take forever. In the end, they were still going to come home to me and endure the toughest 47 minutes of their existence.

I already had the plan, I will eat the letters of my name first, then I will eat the "Zero" from the ten, then I will eat away all the bright colors, the "one", then I embark on a "top to bottom" eating journey until I can see the bottom of the platter. I ate those cakes a hundred times in my mind before I even got them.

Come think of it, Mum didn't have to tell me, after al she knew I loved cake so much I'd become a cake myself! I eventually grew tired, I could no longer wait. Two days before my birthday, I went to school and I knew, it was going to be a good day. Nothing was going to make it any worse than the previous ones. I went to school knowing that I will take a different route back home, if that lady is not going to bring the cakes, I will go fetch them myself, it was my birthday after all. Just for clarity, I asked mum in the morning,

Me: Mum, is Mee Maria bringing the cakes today or not?

Mum: No she is not, she will bring them soon, don’t worry.

Don't worry? DON'T WORRY? Really Mum? I was already worried about that lady not putting enough sugar in my cakes, I was worried about the cakes being pint-sized when my mouth and tummy are the size of the Sahara Desert, I was worried about you inviting other people to share my cakes, I was worried about the cakes being different, making it difficult to choose which one to have first, I was worried about all those things mum, the last thing I wanted to worry about was "Am I even getting the cakes or not?"

Anyways, Mum’s answer was just perfect for my plans. She had no idea and the lady baking my cakes, she wasn't ready either. She was never going to be ready for my genius plan! I was damn sure their communication was a little bit weak over the birthday cakes, none of them really laid down an exact deadline except that it should be before or on my birthday. They had a plan, maybe, all I had to do was to come up with a better plan.

So I sat in class for the longest six hours of my entire primary school life. I marveled to the idea of not only any other cakes but two beautiful cakes. Two has never been such a beautiful number than that day. Finally, after a fair enough long six hours of what seemed to be the longest wait ever, the time was up, the wait was over; it was time to unleash my planning powers.

It was the moment of truth. I gave my school bag to my cousin so he drops it home while I go “somewhere”.  On my way, I remember rehearsing my wording and facial expressions. The last thing I wanted was me giving off any suspicious acts or any signals that will tip the lady off that "Hol'up, this tiny guy right here is on an unapproved mission!"

This plan could not fail, it just could not NOT work. It had to, I needed it to be one those plans that are straight out of a Hollywood movie. "move in and move out"  

 So I reached the Cake Lady’s place and I told myself, "Stef, it is now or never".

Me: Uhm, *clearing throat*, Mum told me to... err, *cough*, She told me to pick up the cakes.

Her: She did? Oh, I just finished them a few hours ago. I thought I’d bring them myself.

Me: Err *gulp*, but since I am already here, I guess I can just take them.

Her: Okay great, I hope you won’t drop them.

I found it a bit funny, I mean Hello, *Rolling eyes* the only way I will ever drop a cake is if it has to drop in my mouth. She handed me the box with the two cakes. And it was surprisingly light. I expected bigger cakes, not that I was disappointed, I probably just thought cakes are really heavy. In the end, Cakes are just big blocks of heaven pieces coated in sugar and cream.

I set off home, a journey that seemed to go on forever. I carried the two cakes without stopping to even sniff or look at them. I almost reached home though. I think I made like half the journey. The plan was to reach home without stopping but, I think I was just weak again. I had this weird feeling like, there I was, carrying two big birthday cakes home. There was just something that was not so right, and then I knew, BAMM, its exactly the whole idea of taking the cakes home without looking at them or even better “just tasting” them. "What is the worst that could happen? It is not like I am going to kill anybody or something, I am just going to taste my birthday cakes.

So I stopped in this other tree just besides the path, not so far from home. I knelt beside the majestic cake box and took a deep breath, I opened the box and there they were. My two beautiful blue and white birthday cakes were starring right back at me. It was definitely love at first site. I suddenly developed a deep hunger for cake. Nature is funny sometimes.

I could almost hear the ancestors call on my name together with Santa, urging me to “taste” the cake. I closed my eyes and extended my index finger. I could almost feel my muscles expand as my finger gets closer and closer to the cake. And then the cake and my finger met. Holly molly!! I felt a rush of blood through my body, my heart skipped a beat and my arms were covered in Goosebumps. It was a revelation; cake and I were meant for each other. I brought my finger to my mouth and I immediately knew that picking up the cakes wasn't after all the worst mistake of my life, no. Tasting them was the worst! What did I just do to myself? How was I ever supposed to stop myself?

I gnawed away on the cake. I didn't realize what I was doing until both cakes had huge chunks missing from them. I was left with almost two thirds of each cake, when I decided to be a good boy and close the box. My face was covered with sugar and cream, my hands all sticky but my heart, so relieved. I needed that "Me" time. I needed that encounter with my two beautiful cakes. I got up and went home and that's when reality hit me, I needed to explain what happened to the cakes. Was I worried? Well, at 9 years and about 364 days, I thought I was a genius and my plan was going to work out just fine. This is how it played out:

Me: Hi Mum, Mee Maria gave me the cakes to bring them myself.

Mum: Oh hi, she came to you at school?

Me: Nope, I went to her house to get some water, I was thirsty, then she said I must take the cakes along.

Mum: So you were thirsty and you decided to go to her place for some water?

Me: Yes, she said hi to you. *holding my hands together behind my back, to pull off some honest posture*

Mum: Oh Okay. *she begun to open the box*

Me: I am going to see the goats. [I was already panicking, my excuses were becoming so lame and I knew I was about to be in real trouble]

Mum: Wait, why are the cakes eaten?

Me: Huh? What?

Mum: Don't what me, did you eat the cakes?

Me: Nope.

Mum: Should I go and ask mee Maria how the cakes looked like when she gave them to you?

Me: I told her to make them in that shape.

Mum: -__________-

She was MAD!! There I was, her little cute son with his face all sticky with sugar and cream. I was hoping she'll agree that I was too cute to scold but she didn't even have time to scold me, she just waited for the next day and dished out the remains of my cakes to my big sister and small sister. I felt so horrible but deep down I knew, all I had to do was to wait another day. Just one more day and all would have been gone well. I could not redeem myself, I could not un-eat the cake. At that moment when I looked at my sisters eating cake and all I had to do was breath, I felt like a part of me was being taken away from me. I felt like a huge cave that only cake can fill was developing within me.

I felt so bad!!

I literally felt so guilty, even started sweating!!

I just ended up crying!!!


Mum looked at me and I tried to strike a really "Cake deprived pose and look*, I think she got impressed because she eventually gave me a slice and they still sang happy birthday for me.

Mum, even though you made me go through the worst 30 minutes of my life when I had to watch you and my siblings eat cake without me, I just want to tell you that I love you because you told that lady to make me two cakes, you knew very well that one cake wouldn't last 10 minutes especially that my big sister loves cake too. And to the lady, who made my cakes, you may never get to read this but I just hope that your cake making skills are still super!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I WISH MYSELF MANY MORE HAPPY AND BLESSED BIRTHDAYS, MAY GOD BLESS ME AND HELP ME DISCOVER PLACES WITH CHEAP CAKES. Haha, Okay yes that was crazy. 

Follow me on Twitter, @StefanMutileni


Cheers. :)

Girlfriend number 1 and Girlfriend number 2.

I was 10 years old when I got my first girlfriend who didn't know we are dating until two years later! Yes, two years later! In those two years, I wrote her so many letters that if someone chose to publish them, I will have to call the World bank to fund the printing. And yes, none of those letters were submitted. None of them, not until I somehow got confident enough to slip one in her school bag and go home feeling like I just committed a serious felony. Did I miss school the next day? Of course I did.


I think my childhood was pretty normal for a boy who just want love but his confidence and his ambitions were in a serious tug of war. Let's be honest, I tried. I mean, I made sure that I didn't look suspicious, that was good enough. Girlfriend number 1 was a beautiful chubby short girl, she was a sprinter and she was the typical Oshakati breed, she discussed the famous Soapies of those days and she always had the latest type of colour pencils in class. She was the first one to come in class with that flexible pencil and her school bag was those ones with like 100 other smaller pockets with huge zips. She was the one.

And me? Well, I was the smart but very shy boy with the back to school stationeries and always had to borrow a sharpener from his best friend. She was mine though, I didn't care that she didn't know, as long as my close friends knew, I was happy with it. When the teacher divided the class in groups of Four and she and I end up in the same group, I blushed so much you could swear a bucket of purple paint fell on my cheeks. My huge smile was all lit like a hungry pelican.

Now you are all probably praying I tell you who the mysterious Beau was. Well, after 14 years, I can finally admit that yes I had a huge crush on Magano. Oh man I had to set aside my ego here. So that was girlfriend number 1 who didn't know that we were dating until I wrote her a letter in grade 6 and oh yes we dated from a distance. Someone should have told me that being co-class captains didn't necessarily mean that you two need to go out with each other. To make matters worse, Mum actually discovered one of the best letters I ever wrote, she found it in my shirt when she was doing laundry and oh boy did I have her and her sisters laughing at me for years. that letter never even got delivered. Poor Magano never got to see the rose I drew with her colour pencils that she borrowed me for the weekend.  Did we ever got to break up? Well, realistically yes, but it took a while for us to get divorced in my mind though.


So that was it about girlfriend number 1. Now there was girlfriend number 2. Frankly speaking, I never told this story before and it is for one reason, the whole shape after all the dots came together. LOL. So I had this friend, my sisters friend who told me that his sister likes me so much and he thought it'd be good that I wrote her a letter. So I did, me being a Champ when it comes to love letters, I took a page from my Social studies note book (because the social study teacher was never going to find out), and I wrote that letter on an A4 sheet. I was so straight to the point this time, no funny things like "I see your face in the stars" No. Uh uuh. I wrote in simple terms that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, klar. Fertig. Finitura. Terminar. Acabado. My friend, that was it! FINITO!!!

I didn't have to tell her a lot of stuff. I folded that letter neatly and gave it to my friend the next day to hand it over. There was one problem though. He told me that he was not going to deliver it  unless I promise to hand over a letter that he wrote to my big sister. I thought for a moment and made up my mind, I will deliver his letter. A love letter as I thought. I handed him my letter to take to his small sister. What did I have to fear? I mean I already heard how she was dying to be my "one and only". I had a very nervous day though, I mean I saw her at school and she didn't show any signs of being troubled or being uneasy with me at al so I made two conclusions. She either did not get the letter yet or she got it but she did not read it yet.

So after school, I waited for my friend at the spot we agreed on, it was not so far from school so after a few minutes of what felt like a hundred years, he turned up and told me that I should just bring my sister's reply the next day so he give me the letter that his sister wrote back to me. No probleeemoo. That night, I saw my sister burn down the love letter and told me to tell my friend (her classmate by the way) that she isn't interested. LOL. Next day I told him so and he, with sadness, handed me my letter. I read it and BINGO, she said YES!!!! I was over the heels. I didn't know how to handle the excitement though but oh boy I was so excited I actually felt so alive!


I then did what another 11 year old would do, I told all my boys. I told the squad. I let them in on the topic that I won the finest girl in the village. I am "Thee Man". And guess what my fellow 11 year olds and 10 year olds went to do after that without telling me, they went to ask her. And to their surprise and my shock, she knew NOTHING about a letter from me, she didn't write any letter to me, she was not planning to write any! I almost fainted because "Girlfriend" came and confronted me with her girls!! I was paraded all the way home with all sorts of girly shouts. I was hurt but oh yes credit to his ingenuity. LOL.

This is an experience that made me hate my sister's friend. This guy has proven that you don't need to have a good GPA score, you don't need to go to Harvard, you don't even have to invent anything to exercise your levels of intellect. All you need to do is make sure that you are the smartest among your lot. How? Hang with the people who are either less smarter than you are, or more dumb that you are. This guy was my friend. I was the dumb one and he really got the best of me. Well this is what happened with girlfriend number 2 who I dated for about a day when she didn't know that I was her cute little puppy.


Since then, I have learned to do things myself. XD



Follow me on twitter, @StefanMutileni

My Graduation Speech

I always said that I will download my Graduation Speech from the Internet. I never imagined that instead, I will SAVE it on the internet! The internet doesn't forget, not as often... except that one time when it forgot to press the "Make him famous" button when it got to my name. Now I have to call Mum and tell her that she must not worry about my nerves and my weak knees, I will just pop up here and print this out when I next go for graduation.

 

Who would have thought I'd use this platform to save my graduation speech for future use and re-use? Just who? I will just keep editing the name of the University / Teknion and the name of the qualification. I don't have to use a different name for the Lecturers because I am most probably going to choose a very cunning name for them.

 

I think the speech is very important. More important than the costume but obviously not more important than the middle finger that I will pull on my haters as I walk out of the hall like a Super-Hero leaving a room full off fallen ninjas. I will definitely also make sure that I come with a Parrot to sit on my shoulder and translate to those small birds left in nests by their mothers. You never know, maybe there will be some. nature has weird ways of surprising us. So legooooooo..... *I am excited*

 

"Thanks to the statistics in the graduation guide because when I tried to count the number of people in this hall, I got three million, five hundred and thirty four thousand, two hundred and sixty nine. I will not be a bad guy now to sue my mathematics' Lecturer for the past four years, it won't be fair after all the lies I told him when I missed his class. Again, I am not good with faces so I may have counted more ladies than there are. Sorry to the dudes without beards, these black long dress makes you look like ladies, no offense.

 

It is great to see all my college ex girlfriends in this hall with me today. We made it together, cheers to the freaking broken relationships. It was a relief to break up with you all but it is not better anyways, this is probably the last time we will ever buy French fries for Ten bucks and a Hot Dog for eight bucks. Life is funny. it is also very difficult to bear with the fact that NSFAF representatives are on the list to later give us a speech of how we must pay back the loans and all that painful information. I would like to thank all the other companies who could not give me a Bursary though but they made it here today to see me graduate.

 

lets give credit where it is due,

 ***leaves podium***

 

I would like to give special thanks to Samsung and Google Inc. for the efforts in manufacturing my lap top and allowing the search of information, respectively. There has never been any other better service in aiding my studies. To the ladies who sell junkies and beef curry with huge onion chunks under the bridge, to the guys who sell the thirty cents sweets but never gave me my ten cents change when I got three for a Dollar, to the kids who always had enough printing credit and the love and care to give me their Passwords so I print my plagiarized assignments, you are all part of this.

***Holding up certification award***

 

Four years, a shitload of assignments, exams, tutorials and the gruesome hours I spend in the workshop for my project, I finally get this. This, this is what you get when you go to school for four years and sit your broke ass in class for 9 hours everyday. A paper pulp dried and printed to make this nice looking piece of A4 document with my name on it but this my friend, this I will use to hit people in the faces when they want to look down on me. So thanks for making it just a little harder than the 1 dollar toilet paper that I had to use for four long years as if I don't pay tuition.

 

To my beloved Lecturers, stay strong. Don't despair that I had to finish and leave, instead pray for me. Like I have always prayed to God that you don't catch me copying cause then you would have had heart attacks. Thank you very much for this ***Looks at the Rector***, Sir, your socks are showing, they were not supposed to show.

 

I have to leave the hall and find a job now, ain't no body got time to be broke and unemployed. Adios,

 ***give the peace salute and fold certification into a small piece of paper, puts it into the back pocket***

My speech will not get lost here.

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lets go and get those Degrees!!!

Drinking Red Bull is MAGIC!!

Hold up. If you thought Hecate the ancient Greek magician Goddess or that Criss Angel and David Blaine are the magic gurus, then you have no idea because I have just discovered the greatest magic trick of all time. Picture this, you have to stay up to study for an exam that will have questions unanswered from 1800s, you need to stay up to entertain "girlfriend", you have to somehow take your chances for staying up just one night to discover aliens in case they show up and most of all, something I personally never got used to, waking up in the morning to go to work. All that can be summed up in one major requirement, you have to stay up and keep your energy levels high.


However you do it, none of the above mentioned magicians can help you in that, Santa always come close with the kids but on contrary, he must sneak up to the kids so the kids must always nap and hope to find candies and all sorts of sweet stuff stashed up in the rooms.




Long story short, just drink RED BULL and see what magic is. I tell you what, I am typing this at the speed of four words per second, at this rate, I could write 345 600 words in just one day. That's a big number, I could convince Meek Mills and Drake to move into one three bedroom flat with just half of those words. I am like the Jeepers Creepers of energy when I take just four Red Bulls, imagine now what happened last night when I took three more because they were relatively cheap compared to coke and one extra one for control? That's EIGHT in total! I was like Chuck Norris at his best and every other activity was as easy as drinking water.




00:45, I was so energetic and so awake that I could not even blink, I could literally mind punch Floyd Mayweather and fly above the Eifel Tower using a rhythmic flap of my ears. I was buzzing with so much energy, I could feel large amounts of Kilowatts of Power moving from my head to my toe nails. I was like an electric eel ready to pounce on a poor fish. Just about midnight, I was unfortunately done with all my plans and I ticked off every single task that was on my list, I started procrastinating on sleep, knowing very well that I was a human barrel of Red Bull. I was praying in my heart that my metabolism should bail me out. I was pumped up with almost 4 litres of that magic energy drink. and not even the 101 push ups I did could make me observe the slightest and tiniest drop of sweat.




01:56, I was in deep trouble. the amount of energy from the drinks, coupled with the 100g of cheese that I gulped down like  baby Hippo salvaged from a drying pan, all that combined in my barely 65Kg body was like pure chaos. I needed my sleep. The mind screamed YEEEEEEES, the body screamed back NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I watched Extreme Sports, fear factor, Terminator and read a Shakespeare publication but still, I could not drop my eye lids a single millimetre. I even drank cold water with hope of neutralising the levels of Red Bull in my body but that drink was determined to keep me up.




02:47, I clearly needed help. Like a Whale doing a flip, I jolted out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. My lean body didn't quite reflect a true image of how I felt like because the mirror was showing a body like Sheldon but I sure felt like Rambo. I needed to use my energy to some good cause so I came up with a plan, I am going to rearrange my room! I started off with moving my bed away from the centre of the room because I sleep with my lights on and when I close my eyes, the light right above my bed irritates me so much. I didn't even think light would travel through my eye lids to my eyes! I moved the fridge without and rearranged it too, bringing the milk and cheese where I can easily access them and taking the rest of the stuff right at the back. I arranged the pile of coins on my desk and calculated them, to my surprise, I didn't even make 5NAD yet!
Finally, I changed my pillow cases, this is like the toughest job I have ever done in my years of living alone.




03:59, It is almost 04:00 and the neighbour's dog will start barking in exactly one hour, I really needed to sleep. I could not hold back my shame and disappointment anymore, how could I?? If only I didn't test the energy drink's ability. With shame, I slotted in my bed and found my comfortable spot, I closed my eyes and promised myself I will stop my thinking and just doze off. Three minutes in bed and I am already thinking of September 11, why Bobby Shmurda should do a song with Jay Z and how Pythagora must have been some huge guy with a thick beard and very thick eye brows. I was on terrestrial journeys my dear.




05:00, I don't even know why I am not mad. My new clock's alarm went off. Yes, in a rather sarcastic tune, it buzzed and galloped all over my desk singing "Its a beautiful day for pie!", inspired by Peter Griffin. I hit the "silence" button and starring at the ceiling with my head resting on my hands, I spoke in  a fine but really annoyed tone, "RED BULL IS MAGIC". I will never ever, I mean NEVER EVER drink Red Bull again. not even if I become part of the Red Bull racing team. But if you want to experience the mind blogging energy levels and feel your toe nails cut through your socks, you have my blessings.